Forgiveness
by MsRSX
Summary: Beginning in the Hospital after the bomb that killed Prim injures Katniss.
1. Chapter 1

I lay in the hospital bed with tubes running all over my body, burned practically beyond recognition. There was no making sense of what had happened – my sister was dead…nothing else really mattered. All of this had been from her, I failed to keep her safe, what was there left for me? The last moments of her life played over and over again in my mind. Was there something else I could have done for her? Maybe I could have reached her in time, or yelled out in warning. It was hard to believe there was nothing I could have done differently, I have always been able to keep her safe, but now she was dead.

Visitors walked in and out of my room but I could do nothing but stare at them numbing, trying to make sense of a world where Prim did not exist. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't really ever want to speak again, I could do nothing to make this world better, everything I touched turned to badness, I didn't want to infect anyone else with the blackness that consumed me. The doctors grow more and more concerned, I don't speak and there is no medical reason for it, I make no attempt to communicate or even to sustain myself. I grow thin and frail along with remaining mute and there is talk of having me committed. I really wish I had burned to death, what I feel now is worth than even the most painful death.

My mother was the first to visit, but she could do nothing for me. When my father died she had retreated inside herself. Over the years she had come back out, but now with Prim gone she really had no more reason to live. She made a few attempts to get me to talk to her or to the doctors but it was futile, I can't even look her in the eye, all I can see in her face is Prim. Prim had inherited her high cheek bone and slender nose, they had the same natural ability to heal…it is impossible for me to look at my mother without thinking of my sister.

Peeta comes in next and he is about as helpful as my mother. I can still see the effects of the hijacking in him. He sits by the bed and strokes my arm and talks to me in soothing tones, but when I don't respond either physically or verbally he gets angry, lost in one of his false memories. He calls me all sorts of names, and many of them are true. I am a selfish and self-centered person. Prim, who I had done everything in my power to save, had died and it was because of me, because of the rebellion I caused. He went on and on with the accusations and the insults. He would leave me when he grew too disgusted with me, even trapped in the hijacking he was too kind and gentle to hurt me, he would just leave.

Every time he would return to my bed and apologize for the way he acted, describing the memory that had been triggered in me, but each time my non-response drove him to have more flashbacks. Eventually the doctors told him not to come anymore; he was not helping me and was making himself worse. The last time he came he just cried by my side, he took my hand and I squeezed his back to give him something, tears streamed down my face but I didn't say anything. Eventually he walked away, telling me he loved me one last time.

Then I was alone for many days. Doctors and nurses came in and out but I had no more visitors until Haymitch came. I wanted to see him less than anyone; he'd planned the rebellion from the beginning, the very thing that resulted in my sister dying. I know it isn't his fault she is dead but I am still raw and anything connected to her death makes my heart hurt. He is sober when he comes to talk to me, but this doesn't make him anymore pleasant. He begins gently, them when I don't respond he becomes nasty. Like Peeta he calls me selfish, asks me what my plans are, do I want to stay here forever? He threatens to douse with ice water, to send Effie in for long period, and anything else he can think of that I won't like, but I don't care. Nothing worse can happen to me than what already has happened. After a long time he too gave up, leaving my room telling the doctors that I may as well be dead. He is right.

Soon it seems like people were coming to say their last goodbyes to me before they went on with their lives. Plutarch came by, he told me of his new job in the new administration and the latest Capital gossip, he told me he would miss the Mockingjay and kissed my check before leaving. Coin came in, she had little to say to me, she laid a few medals by my bedside, honors for my military service and she walked out of the room without so much as a glance backwards. Soldiers I had fought with streamed in and said their farewells, they are in and out quickly, much like a casket viewing line. Annie came and talked about the baby she was carrying, she tried to motivate me by telling me I should live for Finnick. She might be right, but I can't bring myself to it.

Finally I am alone and I sleep as much as possible, I let the drugs take me to a place of emptiness as often as I can, but they don't give me nearly enough to subdue my conscience all of the time. A doctor comes in and tells me that if I do not begin talking and functioning soon I will be moved to the mental ward, there they would give me medications for mental illness until they could find a combination that allows me to function again. This thought is terrifying…what are my options is I never want to function again? Suicide is the only thing I can think of and I don't know if I can do that to my mother. She hasn't always been the best mother, basically forcing me to raise her family from a young age, but she is my mother and she's just lost a child, my killing myself may well be the nail in her coffin.

While I think about this the door to the door quietly opens and shuts. Someone has entered the room but I don't care enough to look up at the person. Whoever it is comes closer to me and I hear, "Hey Catnip" in that unmistakable voice. I snap my eyes to him, I can't believe he could come in here, after his horrible design has killed so many, Prim included. Having not felt anything for so long the rage that suddenly courses through my veins surprises me. "Get out of here!" I scream at him shooting him a look that could stop anyone else cold. Instead of retreating out of the room he comes closer, standing just out of my reach next to my bed.

"Katniss, I hoped to hear something else from you, but thank you for something" Gale says calmly, boring into my eyes with his own. "Everyone is so worried about you…I am so worried about you…they thought maybe sending me in could get a reaction out of you. A bad reaction maybe, but we needed something before you were locked away in the mental ward." I groaned and leaned back against the bed, I didn't want him here, all I could think of was that he was a murderer. "Get out…get out" was all I said but the same anger wasn't behind my words and hot tears fell down my cheeks.

Gale came near me and stood at the head of the bed trying to sooth me by running his hands over my hair. His touch disgusts me, the same hands that designed that bomb were not touching me. "I can't believe you…you…think you can come in here…likes nothing happened. You have no right…no right" I get out between gasps and sobs. The flood gates were finally opening and I was consumed with my grief. "You killed her…you…" and on I went, spiting hate at Gale through my tears. Gale sat by me and continued stroking my hair the entire time, never saying a word. His eyes mirrored mine, dark and full of sadness.

Maybe I wasn't being fair to him, but I didn't care. I wanted to know why he did it, how he could have thought of such a terrible thing, I had to know whether it was his bomb that killed her. "Was it your bomb?" I ask him after I am calm enough to be understood. "I don't know Katniss" he states plainly, with those eyes that hint at host lost he is at the moment, "Liar" I hiss at him, refusing to believe him, he must know and then, "Coward" because I know he simply wants to avoid having her death on his shoulders.

"I've gone over and over this in my head, me and Beetee have spent hours reviewing all the records, the rebel's and Capital's alike and I cannot find mention of the final bombing. Whichever side gave then order and dropped the bombs it was not documented at it should be. It is possible they were the bombs I helped design…but the Capital has similar weapons. They've tried to find the remnants of the bombs but there is nothing left. In the future I am sure there will be hearings and further investigation, but until then we cannot know." He paused for air and pleaded for me to believe him with his eyes, I returned his gaze with a blank stare.

"Every day I wish I could go back in time and not be involved with the development of the bombs. Beetee does as well, had we known then what we know now…we would not have done it. This war has changed me, it has made me a harder person, but you have to believe me I loved her almost as much as you did. If I had know that children would be the target…" he trails off looking at me for a response but I am mute again thinking this over, I don't know if I care even if it is all true.

"You're a monster, you've become someone I don't know" I spit out, but this is only half the truth, I don't know why I hold back, it makes me feel worse because I know I must still feel something for Gale if I am trying to protect his, this realization makes me sick. "Tell me Katniss, get it out, please, I can take it…you can't break me any further, I have been broken for a long time. I deserve whatever you have to same to me and more, most of it I have said to myself."

I think this over for a moment, I have been thinking all of these awful things about him, could he have been blaming himself the entire time? That really messes with the version on him I have been working on in my mind for weeks now. I decide to unleash everything as he'd asked and I take a deep breath. Gale notices a change in me and says, softly, "Please…"

"You are… a dark, twisted person…how could any human being think it was OK to make a weapon specifically meant to have a second blast that would kill medical responders? How... my mother and Prim are medics, you designed something to kill people like that… unarmed people who were doing nothing but helping the sick and injured. I don't know what happened to you, you are not the boy I hunted with for all those years, I didn't think your anger streak would go so far…so far that you were out for vengeance at any cost. You're...I don't even know… a monster, there is some darkness in you… I can't… I don't know…"

I go on and on, alternating between calling him every name I can think of, insulting his character, and confusing babble about not being able to do this. The entire time he didn't say a word, he just looked at me with an unwavering sad expression, his eyes full of sorrow. How could he just there and take this from me? I would be enraged to listen to such a tirade from someone, but here he was, the boy with the quickest temper in school taking all my hate, asking for it even. It was so confusing. Finally when I had run out of things I am gasping from the effort and staring at Gale a response, any response, "Well…Well?" I spit out at him.

He maintains eye contact with me at he lifts his hands to his face. He tucks his hair behind ears and takes a few deep breaths, attempting to get his thoughts together, "It's all true….all the things you said about me...all those bad things… they're true. I am horrible, it was a horrible idea, a horrible weapon… no one good would have ever thought of it… my anger, my rage at the Capital, it's no excuse, there is no excuse." He puts his forehead in his hands and I look up at him and am shocked to see tears streaming down his face, silent sobs wracking his body. I've never seen him cry before; I am stunned as I cannot take my eyes off of him. Suddenly I am sobbing as well, not silently like him but loudly making a horrible wailing noise.

We stay like that for a long time, crying next to one another but neither of us comforting the other. I don't know what to think about what he's just said, its true – there is no excuse, somehow it makes me feel immensely better to know that he feels badly what he's done. He's overcome with guilt, and this satisfies me. He sees that there is something wrong with him, that his anger has horrible consequences. But so what? What good does this do? What happened, it happened and there isn't anything that is going to bring Prim back to me, that will dig my mother out of her depression, or anything that will bring back any of the Capital children . Does knowing that Gale knows the magnitude of what his designs did make it easier to look at him? I'm not sure.

Finally, when we have cried all the tears left inside of us Gale looks at me as says in a slow and sad voice, "You won't ever be able to forgive me will you?" he looks at me, his black eyes have softened, there is no anger in them now. Without thinking I answer back, "That's not true". We both look at each other in surprise. "Katniss…I would understand if you couldn't" I nod and answer back, "I don't know how…but I know I could...maybe… I don't know. I hadn't considered you'd feel the way you too." Gale let out a breath I didn't even know he'd been holding.

A knock comes from the door, a doctor walks into the room wearing the biggest grin I have seen in a long time. "She speaks…the Mockingjay speaks!" he exclaims as Gale looks down to the floor, clearly unhappy that our conversation has been interrupted. "Mr. Hawthorne, thank you… finally someone has managed to get her to utter something…this is amazing, this was a last resort, we've not wanted to upset her further, we figured at this point it couldn't do more harm than good," Gale stared at the doctor waiting for him to say something else. "You can go now, thank you again. Hopefully she'll be feeling better soon." He dismissed Gale and turned back to my bed.

Gale stood but didn't move from his position… I was frozen as well, I didn't want to feel all of things I was feeling, but it seemed better than feeling nothing at all, I decided to protest, "Why does he have to go now? Will he be back soon?" Gale changed his gaze from the doctor to me; he's at a loss for words, which is unusual. The doctor looks from him to me, clearly not having listened to our conversation, only knowing that I had spoken so his mission was over. "You've been in for over an hour…how about he comes back tomorrow during visiting hours?" I nod and Gale agrees scurrying out the door, likely as emotionally drained at me.

The doctor conducts some tests on me, but it's not needed, once I found my voice again I didn't plan to lose it again. I realized that I might not know the entire story. I always just assumed Gale was proud of his design, while he was probably sorry that Prim died I didn't think he regretted anything that led up to it. He was so full of anger and the need to hurt the Capital, he was blinded by these things… could it be possible that he was no longer blinded? I couldn't be sure…. But I wanted to find out…no I needed to find out. Gale had been my best friend… and as I am beginning to realize he is more to me…but I never had the chance to find out how much more.


	2. Chapter 2

He comes today as promised; I've spent the day staring at the wall thinking of all the things I wanted to ask him, the names I wanted to call him, and all the things I wanted to scream at him. But when he appears in my doorway none of these things come to mind. I just lay there and silently cry as he walks closer to me, until he is at my side. He looks down at me but doesn't touch me or say anything, just waits for me. Suddenly I want to talk about anything but the bombings and I blurt out "Tell me what you're doing now!" Gale looks surprised by he nods and pulls a chair to my bedside.

"I am working here, for the military still" he says quietly.

My breath catches in my throat and I am filled with angry, "Building more horrible weapons I suppose?" I almost regret the words as soon as they leave my lips, the look on Gale's face is pure hurt and he visible winces. Honestly, I am not sure if I said it just to hurt him or because I think he is really developing more weapons, either way the effect is the same.

He takes a deep breath and shakes him head, "Never again Katniss, I promise you, never again." He says forcefully, if I wasn't so angry and bitter I would have taken his word with no question, but my ideas of what Gale contradicts the reality standing in front of me. "I am working on an investigation into that final mission, including the bombing. We want to find out what happened, I need to know. But even if it wasn't …our weapon…I don't know what difference it will make, the results were the same." He said this last part in a deflated voice, and without admitting it he was right, it would make no difference, Prim would be gone still.

"Are you trying to receive yourself of the guilt? Will it make you feel better to know that it wasn't your hand that killed her?" I spit at him, not wanting to give in to his reasonableness. In my mind, he didn't feel badly, he was ruthless and angry, blinded by rage at the Capital, he didn't see his wrong. He isn't matching up to this, I don't know how to handle the disconnect I am feeling.

"Nothing will ever take the guilt away. The only difference it will make is whether Coin gave the orders to bomb the children or not…we need to find out whether that was her doing. It won't change anything for me. I still designed a bomb meant to do just what that one did, and Prim… she is gone and finding answers won't bring her back. The guilt and regret will stay with me until I die…how could it not? I promised to protect her when you couldn't…but I didn't protect her at all, I made her world more dangerous place." For a long time he is quiet and we sit there together in silence, each in our own personal despair, finally he says something in a voice barely above a whisper. "I am no better than they are Katniss, I let me hate turn me into exactly what I intended to fight."

I let this sink in but don't know exactly what he means, "Who is 'they' Gale?", he looks down at his hands and whispers, "The Capital". I am sick at the thought, my former best friend being like the sick people in the Capital that enjoy watching children fight to the death. I shake my head, "No…No Gale…it's different." I don't know why I am trying to reassure him the wind was taken out of my anger; sadness rests in the void the anger has left. Gale doesn't say anything, but his slumped shoulders and frown lines tell me he believe these things to be true, that he is like those people, devoid of good. Tears flow down my face, but I am not crying for Prim this timeMy , but for Gale, and for me, and for everything intangible we have lost.

Gale always had a fire in him, a dislike of the Capital so strong that it overwhelmed me at times. Out in the woods, during the long stretched of downtime he would talk about the Capital, the horrors they committed and continued to commit and how much he wanted to make them pay. He did finally take his revenge, but now we're left in the aftermath of it, and neither of us knows what to think. I want to tell myself that Gale didn't have this in him, this darkness, but it's hard to understand how else the idea for the weapon could have formed. Was he evil? Is he evil now? The Capital was pure evil – how could he compare himself to that? My mind whirled with dozens of thoughts at once, it was impossible to form a single coherent thought.

"How can you be like the Capital? They are pure evil and you…" I am not sure where I am going with this but Gale's head whips up at my voice, his eyes search mine out and he hold my gaze. "Katniss…I don't know what I am…I didn't think I was a bad person, an evil man, but here we are…I can't forgive myself, how can you ever forgive me? Look at me? I feel like a monster, I am so thankful you're letting me sit here with you. But what can I ever say? I barely know myself at this point…" He trails off and lowers his head, brushing back a lock of hair that has fallen in his eye.

At this point a nurse knocks on the door, she announces that visiting hours are over and looks expectantly over at Gale. He stands, looking down at me and I take a moment to examine his face. He looks like he's aged a decade since our last mission together, he has deep bags under his eyes, he is too thin, and his hair is stringy and long. His eyes are dark and are full of pain and confusion, but there is something else there…pleading maybe. I look down and take a deep breath, "Will you come back tomorrow?" he looks surprised but nods immediately. The nurse clears her throat and he is out the door before she can say anything more.

I am left alone and confused, strangely I am less confused than I was yesterday, no questions were answered and there was no resolution but I begin to realize I don't even know what I need. I've let my grief over Prim become one with my anger at Gale, it's difficult to feel one thing without the other surfacing. But the Gale I am seeing is not the Gale that been the focus of all of my anger since the bombing. The Gale I am angry with is a hateful person, bent on revenge at any cost, he didn't care about the children dying or about Prim…he just wanted to cause death and destruction to the very thing that he hated most, the Capital. That Gale is red-faced with rage, he cannot be reasoned with and he doesn't regret anything at all. It's easy to be angry at that Gale, to hate him and not have to question my anger.

But that isn't the Gale that actually exists. The man who has visited me the last 2 days…he isn't angry and full of hate, not for anyone other than himself. He's calm, depressed, and full of regrets. It's harder to direct all my emotional energy towards hating him, I want to feel the blind rage that I felt when I first saw him so I won't have to feel any other emotions, emotions that are harder to manage and handle. Hating Gale was a certain in my life, now…I am not sure what to think, the convenient fiction I had made up for myself is slowly unraveling

I realize that my anger at Gale, Coin, the Capital, and everything has been protecting me from the crushing depression of losing so much. There was Prim, of course, she was the most important...I miss her every moment of every date, the guilt I feel as not protecting her can be crushing some days. But there are other things like my childhood, my mother, Peeta, and all of the people who are no longer with us… I've never let myself feel sadness over these things, anger is a much easier emotion, but sadness and grief, those are difficult. But I am still angry…maybe not with Gale, but this the situation in general…I should be dead but instead I am living my life in this room, barely alive, I am weak.

I am like my mother; the realization hits me hard as the memories come back to me. After my father's dead my mother fell into a deep depression. She stopped working, making food, or doing anything to take care of us. I was so angry with her for us leaving us like that; alone to die the way she had died on the inside. In time she did thaw out and begin to live her life again, but the light in her eyes was gone forever. Did I want to be like her? Can I spend the rest of my life here, curled into a ball alternating between sleep and staring blankly at a wall? I know that is where I am going, I am already a shell of a person, everyone has given up on me, everyone except for Gale.

I take a slow and steady breath as I push myself up into a cross legged sitting position on my bed. Gale… I keep asking him to come back but I don't know what I want from him. I don't know what he wants from me either. Initially I thought he wanted my forgiveness, but he's stated he doesn't expect to get it. I never thought I could forgive him either, but something about his demeanor tells me that perhaps I could. He might want to alleviate his guilt, but I am not much help with that as guilt is swallowing me alive as well. Does he want to get our friendship back? How could it ever be the same? It seems impossible but at the same time…I miss it, I miss him, human contact and connection… I don't think I deserve these things, I don't think I deserve anything, but I am drawn to having Gale here with me…hearing him talk about his own actions in the same words that I have used for them time after time in my mind is somehow comforting. We're in agreement, there isn't anything to argue about… there is no "right", in the end we both lose. I am confused and tired, I lay back against the bed and in a moment am asleep.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

_The same nightmare begins in my head as always. I am in the Capital Square and the clump of children is in front of me. This time I notice someone at my side, Gale, his eyes are focused to the sky as we hear hovercraft engines and the bomb is dropped directly in the middle of the group of children. There is chaos as the injured are screaming out in pain and the citizens of the Capital are running around trying to get away from the gory scene._

_Medics rush in to help the children and I try to run forward as well, except there are arms holding me back, Gale's arms. They are strong and I struggle against them until I realize there is no use in fighting it. Gale pushes me back a final time and runs towards the scene, he's spotted something and he is sprinting at full speed towards it. I am staring at him but everything seems to be happening in slow motion and suddenly I see what he's running towards. A group of medics from 13 are running towards the dead and injured to help them, my little sister is in the group and he is trying to prevent them from going forward. I can see there is an argument, they want to help, the air is loud with sirens and the screams of the injured and scared. He can't hold them back anymore and they bolt towards the children. _

_As they reach the group and burst into action a much more powerful explosion is felt and it sends me back a ways. The air is full of putrid smoke and pieces of debris. I am injured, in paid and burned but I try to crawl to where I saw my sister last. Everything is engulfed in fire and begins to go hazy, I give up trying to move and lay myself on the ground wishing for death. In my ear someone is whispering, "I'm so sorry Katniss…I am so sorry…I tried to save them…I didn't protect her…I'm so sorry." I can tell its Gale but opening my eyes takes too much effort, but I know what he says is true, he tried…but she's gone._

_o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o_

I wake from the dream feeling less dejected than usual. I know if Gale was there he would have died trying to save her, he would have tried at least. But he couldn't try…he was captured and tortured…going on my mission for me…not for himself. If all those things were true how can I put so much blame on him? The bomb… his design…but then why didn't I blame Beetee as much? I was so confused with my jumbled thoughts, but this last one really stumped me. Beetee didn't have a mean bone in his body, he was selfless to a point, and he sat with Gale and developed this horrific weapon alongside him. I inhale sharply, suddenly very uncomfortable with my train of thought.

Why would I feel nothing negative towards Beetee, not even his character, for doing the same thing as Gale? There was a difference, but I couldn't quite grasp it. Beetee didn't have any allegiance to Prim, Gale did…but how could he have though that his design would end her life. I realize neither of them could, no one would have thought that. The blame belonged with whoever made the decision to drop the bomb, and I knew that wasn't Gale…he just helped make it possible for there to be something to drop. All I know is that the anger that has gripped me for however long I have been here is leaving. I press a bottom to receive some sleep medicine, something I have been trying to avoid, but it will make the dreams go away for now.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

By the time I woke up again it was early afternoon, my lunch tray was sitting by my bed and the hallways was bustling with activity. I am anxious to see him again but I don't know what I want to say to him…I want to be close to him again but it feels like a betrayal…shunning everything that had any part in the death of my sister has been my coping mechanism, but inside I know Prim wouldn't want me to push people away, especially not Gale. I go between wanting to retain my anger with him, watching him wallow in his self-hatred and wanting to give him the thing he needs most but doesn't think he will ever get, my forgiveness. But is there anything to forgive really? I'm no longer sure he even did wrong…I dislike that he had it in him to design the weapon….but as far as Prim's death…am I just blaming the most convenient target.

I am lost in thought as Gale enters the room, standing quietly by the door waiting for me to invite him in or acknowledge him in some way. He catches my age and I gesture was him to come in and hoist myself into a sitting position, I pat the spot next to me on the bed indicating that he should sit by me. His eyes are wide in surprise but he complies, sitting arms length from me. "Thank you" it's been a long time since I have been on the same physical plane as someone, this feels more intimate compared to him standing over me and I am feeling more confident. I don't know where this is going to go, but the anger is gone and my mind is more clear than it's been in a long time?

Gale looks at me quizzically. "Thank you for you? I should thanking you, for letting me in here, for inviting me back, for listening to me…for so much." It comes out in a rush, Gale has always been so stoic but today his eyes are soft, there's more he wants to say, "I was so scared that when I came in here at first you'd refuse to talk to me like you had everyone else…I know you only spoke to yell at me, but hearing your voice was enough for me. Now, you've invited me to come back twice and I am so thankful, this is more than I could ever have hoped for, I was sure you'd never want me in your sight again. I thought I was….dead to you." He hangs his head and looks sadder than I've ever seen him.

Not knowing where I am going I reach my hand out to him, he alternates staring from my hand to my face a few times before I nod my head gently up and down and he is sure of what I want. He takes my hand in his and the warmth spreads over me. I close my eyes allowing myself to enjoy the sensation; it's the first thing I have enjoyed since I arrived here. "Gale…I…I don't know how to say what's inside my head…to get it out…I just need…I don't even know, I'm sorry I don't make any sense. This doesn't make any sense. I don't know what to do…I just don't know what to do."

Gale took my hand with both of his, clearly enjoying the contact as much as I had, "I don't know either Katniss, you make more sense than anything going through my mind right now. I know what I want…in my dreams I think of you moving on from your hatred of me…letting go of the anger, grieving for Prim but living a life, not confined in here" he gestures around the room "but somewhere that you can truly only day feel happiness again." I nod and wait for him to continue, there is something he's not saying, his dream goes further, but he's hesitant. "Katniss, I want the best for you, always, I don't care what happens to me, its you….whose lived through too much for it to end this way, for your story to end with you here like this for the rest of course life."

"What is there for me?"

"Your mother ….my mother and siblings, they all miss you so much."

"My mother left me." I spit this out with more hostility than I thought I had towards her, I deserved to be left here after my lack of cooperation, still…it hurts that she never came back to see me.

"Katniss, I know that it seems that way…heck it might even be that way. Your mother…she is kind and loving, but she's lost…well 2 daughters in different ways. Prim is never coming back…and you've slipped away from her as well. She doesn't handle sadness well…you know….you resent her for it, and I don't blame you, but it is what it is. She had to leave; she couldn't stand by day after day watching you slip further away. She's gone to District 4, they are rebuilding the hospital there and she has thrown herself into the work, drowning in her job this time instead of retreating from the world."

This actually brings me some comfort as I think back to the days after my father died, my mother almost died with him. Working too much would only lead to a faster hospital rebuild in this case, rather than be useless as she was before she was actually doing something to help, unlike me. "And the others…what are they doing?"

"Annie has moved back to her home, she's starting an educational type daycare center…with so many women left with children but no income, she saw the need and answered it. Haymitch…he's back in 12, probably sitting around his putrid house, getting drunk and sleeping his life away." He doesn't say the obvious, women are left with no income because their husbands are dead, because of the war. I don't say anything about this either, but it is understood between us.

"And Peeta?" I decide to go ahead and ask Gale, though I know this is going to be a sore subject for him, I have to know and have no one else to ask.

"Katniss…he's not well." He says plainly and avoids looking at me, something is wrong but he doesn't want to out and say it.

"How do you mean?"

"Katniss…" he hesitates shifting his weight, clearly uncomfortable.

"Tell me! " I shout for the first time since the first day he came.

Gale breathes in sharply and lets the large breath out slowly. "OK Katniss…Peeta had a mental breakdown, he's never recovered from the tracker venom, the mission did nothing good for his state of mind…and he just couldn't hold on any longer. He's in the mental ward in 13 being treated….maybe one day…I hope one day he will be back to normal. It was just all too much to handle, this is not your fault Katniss, please believe that."

"It's because of me Gale… because I couldn't give him what he needed, I didn't talk to him, comfort him….love him" the last part slips past my lips and I am shocked, I repeat it "I didn't love him Gale…but I should have, he loved me, but I didn't…I couldn't…I don't…I…" I have no idea what to say, but this revelation is painful, but I know it's true. I felt a lot of affection for Peeta; he was my comfort at night, my protector, confidant, and friend…but I didn't love him like a woman should love a man, a few moments of lust is as close as I came.

Gale studies me quietly, his brows raised in confusion, "You didn't love him?" and then he shakes his head, "I'm sorry…this isn't my business….I am just surprised that's all…please don't feel you need to tell me about that…you don't need to talk to me at all, you owe me nothing."

I remember when I could tell him anything, "I used to tell you everything Gale, in the woods, all alone…we kept nothing from each other." He nods, a hint of a smile on his lips. "But no… I don't think I did love him… I care for him very much, even now…but how could I ever know what was real and what was for the cameras. Love was a survival mechanism in the Games, but also between and after, a crutch because I was so weak. I am weak now, but I don't think of him, not since he stopped coming." I speak slowly, thinking each word through. It is terrifying to be so open, but it needed to be said.

Gale opens his mouth to speak but the nurse is at the door again. "Promise me you'll keep coming?" I ask him, suddenly feeling panicked at the prospect of being alone forever with my thoughts.

"Every day that you'll let me Katniss, until you chase me away and forbid me from coming in."

He gets up and leaves the room, I am left sitting on the bed, it smells of him now and I close my eyes and sigh. If even my mother can go on after such a tragedy, maybe even I could. I don't know if I deserve it…but I suppose I could try, and I am going to start with my friendship with Gale, I needed that in my life at the moment.


	3. Chapter 3

I am alone in my room and the quiet is driving me to insanity. I carefully stand from the bed, obviously much weaker than I was before, but still stable and I pace. Gale's visit brought up something I had not wanted to let myself think about…Peeta… the sweet boy with the bread. It was hard to imagine him totally insane and in the mental ward, but I saw it coming. Heck, I practically caused it. I curse myself, everyone who is close to me gets hurt, and no one has escaped unscathed.

Peeta…why couldn't I just give him what he needed, a few words from me, it's all he wanted. Angry tears appear in my eyes but this time the anger is at me, I am such a coward, the silence was a coping mechanism, but it hurt so many. Selfish, that's what I am, but I don't know how to stop the hurt. Peeta seems lost to me, and I am not even sure how I'd like to have him in my life. What I'd said earlier rang true to me… I don't love him… I am not sure I ever did.

It's hard to admit because there are so many reasons I should love Peeta, and I know he loves, or loved, me very much… but I just can't return the intensity of his feelings. So much of our relationship was a fake, a show for the cameras, sorting out what was real from what was fake, is almost impossible. But I have seen how others act while in love, and I cannot relate that to my experience with Peeta at all. I don't want to keep pretending and I want to think Peeta wouldn't want that either, but I have a feeling he would be happy to have me even if I didn't actually love him.

My thoughts are muddled as I pace… I want to settle this within myself. Peeta, the boy with the bread who loved me so unconditionally, who would take me back no matter what I did to him, do I feel the same way? I remember that when he would visit me he would plead with me to talk to him, he would have a meltdown and shout when I didn't, but what did I feel? Nothing… numbness. With Gale, I felt rage, that is what first brought me out of my mute stupor, but at least it was something.

I am sick at the thought that I cannot muster up feelings for the man who's done so much for me. I want to love him, I want all those kisses during the victory tour to not be a lie. I think back to the days we spent in the cave, I though what I was feeling was love, but it was pure relief that he was alive and that we could both make it home together. On the beach during the Qwell – that was something, but I think it was my hormones and lust more than true love. I had affection for him, I cared for him deeply…but sadly, I could live without him. I sigh and stop my pacing. The issue at hand was solved, I didn't love him and I can't be sure I ever had. If it made me a horrible person, well it can wait in line with all of the other things that make me an awful person. But I didn't want to live a lie for someone else anymore, I didn't want to be a show for anyone.

With that resolved I press the call button for a nurse or doctor, one comes quickly to the room and finds me alert, standing by my bed with my arms crossed against my chest and a scowl on my face.

"I want to get out of here." I demand.

"We're not sure you're ready for a different room yet Ms. Everdeen… maybe in a few weeks."

"No, I don't want to stay here; I was to go home to 12, to my woods and my meadow." I say this with force, wanting to leave the Capital as soon as I can, but not wanting to be back in the tunnels of 13.

The nurse backs away from me a little, noticing my agitation, "I am going to need to discuss this with the doctor. I will send him in after his rounds, I promise."

I nod and sit on the edge of my bed, waiting expectantly. She leaves the room and I am left in silence again. I want to rip the gown off, find some regular clothes and just walk about of here; I want to blend in with the others. I daydream of sneaking out of this place, just walking onto the streets as far as I can and disappearing, there would be nobody to miss me, they would stop looking after awhile…then I could really be free. Most of all, now that I am up again I want some privacy, some room for my thoughts, some time really alone, a door that people cannot look into when they walk by… I want to live like a normal person.

Not like the Mockingjay – the title disgusts me now. I was a child, they used me like the Capital used me…took away even more from me than I had lost during the Games. It had to stop, I needed to finally be away from all the manipulation. I jump up from the bed, and begin pacing again, I open the door to my room and peek out, no one is in sight. I contemplate just taking off but decide there will likely be security somewhere that will try to stop me.

Luckily, the doctor comes through the door at that moment, clipboard in hand, and his usually friendly but concerned look on his face. He gestures for me to sit on the bed and brings a stool near me to sit on himself. "So…my nurse tells me you have been asking about leaving. She said something about District 12?"

I nod my head quickly, "Yes… I need to get out of here" I gesture around the room with a hand while maintaining eye contact with the doctor. "The hospital, I can't stay here anymore. 12 is my former home, I have nowhere else to go. But I am sick of these four walls, people always watching me, please tell me I can go…" I am pleading at the end, the possibility I won't be released to 12 looming over my head.

"Well…Ms. Everdeen, everything that was medically wrong with you had been resolved; your physical health is an good as it will be at the moment…" he trails off giving some papers on his clipboard a look. "But… we can't release you back to 12, not along, not without a hospital built to make sure you have your medications, therapies and so on. So…we can let out of here, but we can't send you to 12…we need to you to stay near the hospital."

My brows perks up, I am confused…I can leave but I can't leave? "What are you talking about then?"

"Well…you'd stay here in the Capital, in a place near the hospital, and you'd come back here regular for the treatments you still need, and to administer the various medication. Someone would be sent to check in with you regularly, make sure you're eating and all is well. How does that sound?"

I wanted to go back to 12, not to stay here with the people in the Capital, there must be some other choices…"Well... it sounds better than sitting around here of course…but staying in the Capital…I don't know, I just want to be out of here and done with everything. Are there any other options?"

He is shaking his head and looking at me sadly, I never took much notice of him, but he came every day, a few times a day, he was always kind to me, even when I didn't respond to him, even when all I did was lay on my side and cry…he never gave up. "No…in here or out there" he waves his hands towards my window, the one that I keep the blind pulled down on to prevent me from seeing the street and the people on it. "Do you want some time to consider this?"

"No… I'll go out there, I don't think I can handle living my life in this room much longer."

The doctor nods and makes a few notes on his papers. "OK I'll set this up. You'll spend the night here; we'll get you moved over tomorrow." He digs in his papers and pulls out a color brochure and hands it to me, "Here you go…this provides a general explanation of the arrangement, when you get in your new home there will be more detailed paperwork about your specific situation." He stands from the stool and extends his hand for me to shake. "Anything else?"

I shake my head "Thank you" I say quietly and this seems to surprise him, "For everything…for sticking with me…I couldn't have done it." He chuckles, "It's what I do, it'd an honor to be able to work with you." With that he leaves the room and again I am alone with my thoughts. I wonder if it'd be such an honor to work with me if I had not been the face of the rebellion, instead I was just a regular girl, burned and broken by the Capital, things would be a lot different.

I sit on my bed with my legs tucked under my body and examine the brochure the doctor gave me. Seems I will be staying in a building a block over from the hospital, I'll have a small apartment where I will live on my own. Someone will come in daily in the morning to make sure I get up for the day and eat something. I will have a schedule of appointments that I will keep, if I do not keep them I will be sent back to the hospital and deemed incapable of caring for myself. To begin food will be stocked for me and my clothes provided, eventually I will be expected to shop for myself, and after all my treatments are over and I am deemed mentally sound to live alone and unsupervised, I will then have my choice of where to live.

It doesn't sound too bad, but the idea of living my daily life among the people of the Capital makes me nervous. The rebellion is over but I don't know if I can ever feel safe or secure within this place, so many memories, barely any of them are good. But I have no choice, and the less time it takes me to heal completely the less time I have left here. I realize how tired I am and climb into my bed, settling in and closing my eyes. I drift off slowly, aware of rain hitting my window with a rhythmic noise.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

_My subconscious kicks in the moment I am asleep, I look around and I am in unfamiliar surroundings, sitting on a soft couch. Next to me is Peeta and he is crying. I have my arms folded and clearly whatever we've been discussing is upsetting to him. I get the urge to reach out and touch him, to comfort him, but somehow I know this isn't a good idea. We sit in silence for a long time before he Peeta speaks._

"_None of it was real?"_

_I struggle to get words out of my throat, he looks so helpless and so hurt, I want to give him what he wants but I can't, the longer I wait the worse it will be. "Some of it was real… some of it."_

"_Which parts?"_

"_I never wanted any harm to come to you, I wanted to keep you alive, to bring you home…"_

_In a flash he is on his feed and his eyes are brimming with anger, "No Katniss! You know that's not what I am talking about. The hugs, the kisses, the day I gave you to the pearl, was any of that real?"_

"_Those things really happened" this was hard for me; I could tell me was angry at me for trying to evade his question, so I need to be as honest as possible. "But I think they meant different things to each of us."_

"_To me they meant that I love you, that I wanted to be near, to touch and hold you, feel your breath against mine, protect you, and give you something to remember me by. What did those things mean to you?"_

"_Don't make me say those things please…" I plead with my eyes, I don't want to hurt him, I've already hurt him so much. _

_He advance towards me and sits down so our shoulders are almost touching, he is trembling and he grabs my wrists in his hands in a way that sends a shiver of fear up my spine. "Katniss…don't mess with me…I deserve to know the truth, you owe me that at least…don't lie to me anymore, no more secrets."_

_I give in, if he wants to hear it than who am I to try to protect him from the truth? "Peeta…you're a friend, someone I could trust with my life, you're one of the most amazing people I know…but…but….well…" my mind goes blank…what can I saw to him._

"_Katniss, real or not…you love me."_

"_Not" I whispers, wrenching my wrists from his hands and covering my face. Tears pour down my face, and I don't know why. I know I don't love him, but breaking his heart someone breaks mine as well. I want to love him, I tried to…_

"_So it was all lies? All the affection, the cuddling, the kisses, all of it?"_

_I shake my head to deny these things but he's right…they were for show, for my own comfort but none were because of my love for him._

"_So what am I to you?"_

"_You are everything to do, you mean almost as much as my mother or Prim…you're my friend, my…"_

_I don't get a chance to finish because he grabs my chin in his hand and forces me to look up at him, his touch is rough and fast, usually he is so gentle with me, I get scared that the flashbacks from the hijacking are coming back and I try to scoot back from him but I am at the edge of the couch, Peeta is blocking my retreat path with his body. _

"_What they told me about you was true. You were using me. You never loved me, you just loved yourself and the gains you were getting from being with me. You selfish little bitch, you are the monster they called you. The entire time at the Capital I defended you, I was beat almost to the brink of death because I refused to say that I hated you…but all this time…you didn't care." He slapped me with an open hand against my face and I saw stars, the wind was knocked out of me as I hit the back of the couch, "I should kill you..you lied to me the whole time…all of our promises they meant nothing."_

_I was crying and rubbing my cheek where he had made contact, I shook my head but didn't speak, there was no denying the truth, it had been pretend the entire time, what I felt for him wasn't love, and I had used him for my own gains when I figured out that Haymitch wanted a romance in order to send me gifts to survive with. I wasn't looking at him when he lunged at me with both arms, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking at me while he continued his tirade._

"_Kill me… just kill me" I shout, I can't see anything and I feel sick, I don't even want to go on, the hurt I am causing him, its too much. Saying this seems to make him stop, he holds me at arms length and examines my face closely, "Kill you?" he asks in a quizzical tone. "It will make you feel better, I don't deserve to live, not after what I put you through…. All those things you've said about me are true. The memories might be wrong… but the words are right. You are right to hate me. Just kill me please…"_

_He drops me in a crumpled pile on the couch and he's on his feet again pacing. "I can't…" he whispers, barely audible above my own choked sobs. "I love you…I know you don't love me…but there's no way I can stop what I feel… you're…I've loved you since we were in kindergarten, I'd hoped once everything we'd been through you'd love me too." He took a deep breath and looked me in the eye, "but you don't….if not now…than never."_

_He is going towards the door and pauses before pulling the handle, "I'm sorry Peeta, you don't deserve this and I don't deserve you…"_

_He shakes his head sadly before he is outside the door. I am alone and I pull my knees to my chest to comfort myself, but it's no use I cry for hours before I pass out in exhaustion._


	4. Chapter 4

It doesn't take long to pack my things and soon I am walking down to the elevator, escorted by a young nurse dressed in street clothing. This is the first time I've been out of my room for a reason other than getting tests done or procedures performed since I've gotten here, it is making me nervous and I imagine every person we pass is staring at me. Once we are in the elevator alone the nurse speaks to me, "I will be checking in on you most days, when I am off someone else will come. It is going to be an honor working with you Miss. Everdeen." I nod and manage to give her a smile; inside I am wishing that I were less recognizable. She kept the chatter up the entire time we were walking but the sights were too distracting for me to absorb what she was saying.

It had been a long time since I have been outside the hospital and I am surprised to see life going on in the streets of the Capital as usual. People are rushing around and cars are jamming into the streets, some vendors line the sidewalks selling news papers, coffee, and whatever else. It's amazing to me… and terrifying… when will I have to join that bustling crowd? When we reach the door to the apartment building a short walk from the hospital I am grateful to get out of the bustling streets and into the calm lobby. As the nurse leads me to a small alcove lined with locked bins I realize I don't even know her name… always focusing on my myself, never others, I resolve to work on this.

She stops in the room and points to one of the cubby holes "This is your mailbox – please check it periodically for mail, while in the hospital you received quite a bit of mail, but you did not open it… I have it here with me and will leave it upstairs with you…for whenever you're ready of course." I nod, I am confused I didn't think I had been getting mail, I don't even know who would be sending me mail, "Thank you, I am so rude… I don't even know what your name is" I say in a quiet voice, suddenly turning shy. She smiles broadly, "That's not a problem, my name is Marna, originally from District 6, but working here since the rebellion." I can't help returning her infectious smile, "Nice to meet you Marna…"

"Ok… lets continue you to your apartment, I am sure you want to get yourself settled in." she says as she turns around, signaling for me to follow her and leads me to an elevator, "Your place is on the 18th floor…you'll need to swipe this card to get anywhere on these elevators." Already I have one card and one key to keep track of…I'm beginning to become overwhelmed but I am careful not to show it, I don't want to be sent back. The elevator is quick and dings when we reach our floor and spill out into the hallway. "This way please…" Marna points to the left and I follow her down a hallway with identical doors on either side. We reach the end of the hallway and she stops in front of a door and pulls out another key, letting us into the room.

"OK here we go!" she chirps as I set my bag down on the floor with a thump. "You've got a bedroom, living room, bathroom, kitchen, and this dining alcove…" I try to take it all in, but I can tell it will be a long time before this feels like home to me… I walk into the bedroom and find a large bed and a few dressers, a walk in closet leads me to my bathroom. I chuckle to myself because I don't have many clothes of my own anymore, a few garments are hanging up…but it looks empty nonetheless. Marna waits patiently on the sofa while I explore my new place. I go into the kitchen and find it stocked with fresh and dry goods, utensils and all the plates I could want. Finally I go back out to the living room and sit next to Marna on the couch, and I look at her expectantly.

"So what do you think Katniss?"

"Its big…very big…much bigger than I'm used to…I'd say this is larger than the house I lived in as a child…." I trail off before I mention my mother and Prim…I didn't want to cry in front of this person, soon enough I'd be alone and could cry all I wanted with no one seeing me.

Marna smiles, "Yes…this is a large place… but we want you to be comfortable here and to make sure you have everything you need. Now… there are some rules and things you should know. I am going to go over them with you…but they are also documented here, in these papers." She hands me a thick manila folder, reading for my first few days here. I nod, of course there had to be some rules…

"First…you have many freedoms here but we ask that if you leave the building you provide us with your plans, where you are going, when you will be back. You will do this by keying the info in here, on this tablet." She points to a device on the fridge door, it looks like a small TV, she walks over and touches it… a small keyboard appears and she begins typing, "Out to movie, back in 4 hours" and presses the enter key. I nod along with her, not pleased with having to account for my whereabouts constantly, but even I can see that this would be a good idea for a newly released hospital patient.

"So you go out, type it in here, and you're off. When you return, tap the screen and you're back. These logs are not monitored; this is used only if we need to find you for something urgent or something for your medical treatment. Now… there are a few more rules on leaving the building. We ask that you return here each evening and spend the night here, there is a curfew of midnight, if you are not in your room at that time an alarm will sound back in the hospital and there will be a lot of worry, and possible consequences for you. Do understand?" She asks me firmly but she is still smiling, so I nod and internally roll my eyes…a curfew.

She goes over a few more things…when she will come to visit each day, when food will be delivered, how to order clothing and household items, where to set my grocery preferences, how to let someone into the building, and then she goes over a map of the immediate area showing me where common things are, how to get back to the hospital and so on. Finally, she takes a sheet of paper out and posted it on the fridge with a magnetic clip…my schedule for the week…the appointments I would need to keep at the hospital…missing them meant a loss of privileges, eventually a loss of the ability to live here alone. I nodded my understanding to it all…then suddenly thought of something.

"I was going to have a visitor today…Gale… will someone tell him where I am now?" the concern must have shown on my face because Marna patted my hand gentle, "Of course dear…we'll have him pay you a visit here instead…I promise. But you can always use the phone to call him if you need to. Any other questions for now? I know this is a lot to take in, but I will be pack tomorrow morning, we can talk more then." I had no more questions, and a minute later Marna was out of the door and headed back to the hospital. I sat down on my couch and enjoyed the silence for a moment, unsure of what to do next.

Before she'd left Marna had left a pile of mail got me on a side table, I got up and grabbed the large pile, sitting down on the sofa and spreading the letters and cards out in front of me. I am not ready to open them, but glancing at the from addresses gives me a lot of information. There are dozens of letters from Peeta, Gale, my mother, Annie, Johanna, Beetee, and even Haymitch…all unread and unopened. It's hard to know where to start…the pile seems endless and I busy myself organizing the pile first by sender and then by date. This takes ups some time, and I think about which I want to read first, I glance at the close and find it to be almost lunch time, I tell myself if I open a piece of mail then I can have lunch.

That decided I look over the piles, the letters from my mother seem like a good place to start, I pluck the oldest letter from the pile and read…

_Katniss,_

_It has been a week since I've left the Capital and I miss you greatly. I never imagined our lives would turn out the way they have, but here we are. Leaving you there in the Capital was one of the most difficult things I had to do, but I hope you understand. You won't talk to me, you won't even look in my direction…I don't know what I can do to get through to you. Staying in the Capital was impossible, every day I had to pass the spot where Prim was last alive and remember her_, _it's too painful for me. I've gone to District 4, where we are rebuilding a hospital for the people here. I hope to see you or at least talk to you soon, hopefully the ghosts that walk the Capital will fade with time, and one day we will be together again. I feel like a horrible mother, but I hope you can forgive me one day._

_Love,_

_Mom_

My mother, I didn't know what to think about her letter, there was an entire pile of letters from her, but this was the first she'd sent. I try to think back to the days she would come into my room and try to rouse me, to get me to look at her or give her any sign that I was still alive… but I gave her nothing. With her heart broken from loosing Prim… I guess I cannot blame her for leaving me. But I blame her anyhow, for a lot more than just leaving me. The old anger, when she disappeared within herself after my father's death resurfaced, why would I expect anything more from my mother now?

I stew in my anger as I head for the kitchen and examine my options for lunch. Whoever had done the shopping set things up to be fairly simple for me, inside the fridge one shelf was filled with pre-assembled sandwiches, I grabbed one and headed back to the couch and pile of letters. I had to go through them eventually…now seemed as good a time as any. I settled, my legs tucked under my body and plate next to me as I grabbed a letter off of one of my piles. I examine the exterior envelope and see that it came from Haymitch and District 12.

_**Katniss,**_

_**Who knows if you'll ever read this letter? If you are reading it, then you've finally snapped out of your little pity party, good for you! Last I saw you, you were curled up in a bad staring at a hospital wall. Since you obviously didn't want me around anymore I went back to 12. People are returning here and rebuilding…our houses in Victor's Village are the same as always. Hurry up and get back here, bring Peeta with you!**_

_**Haymitch**_

**I could hear his tone of voice through the writing… he did not know whether I'd recover…he was calling it a pity party… I let out a big sigh as I take another bite of my sandwich. The letter was written before Peeta lost…well his sanity…he thought we might come back together to live near him. It seems impossible now…especially considering my feeling towards Peeta and his recent commitment to the mental ward. Did he know about that? If he did…what would he think? He'd probably place the blame on me…and he'd be right. I couldn't give Peeta what he needed, I was a selfish person, absorbed in myself above all others. **

**O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+**

**After I'd finished lunch I sat back down and stared at my pile of unopened mail, willing myself to grab another piece but I felt too fragile to read anymore…I know that in that pile there are no happy letters, only sadness, and further proof of my selfishness. I pushed so many people away, why didn't they just forget me? I am about to settle down for a good wallowing when the phone rings. I spring up and grab it, eager for a distraction. "Hello?" I ask "Katniss, its Gail… I am downstairs, if you want to visit with me, please let me up." A quick glance at the phone makes it clear what to do and as I press the button I hear a buzzing noise and a click. He's on his way up. I look down at myself, confirm that I am wearing enough clothing to cover myself and wait for him, in a minute the doorbell rings and he is here.**

**I open the door, my first visitor in my new place, the man I'd previously thought of as my sister's killer was here to see me. For once I actually felt something besides sadness or anger. I was eager to see him…to talk to him…to have some company to fight off the memories of the people who wrote me those letters. After I let him in we both sit on the couch and stare at each other, neither of us knowing what to say.**

**I start, "So what now Gale…where do we go from here?"**

**He shakes his head sadly, never breaking eye contact me with, "Katniss…I just don't know. I want to say we can be best friends and hunt again in the woods like we used to…but we're different people now. I don't know what you want, or what you think of me or anything."**

**Neither of us is very good with expressing ourselves but I try to sort my thoughts out. "I don't know what I want; I don't know what I think either. This used to be so simple…but now… I don't know there are all these other things, the bombs, my sister, the rebellion…so much it's so complicated." I shake my head and close my eyes, trying to focus on my thoughts, "What do you want Gale?"**

**He's looking at me with those dark eyes, but today there is no anger behind them, only concern. "Katniss…what I've always wanted… you… as a friend at least." He bows his head and stares between him legs for a moment. "I shouldn't have said that… I could never hope…you could never…"**

**I'm confused and move closer to him raising my brows at him, "Gale…what do you mean me? What could I never do?" he shakes his head from side to side, ready to let this conversation end but I need to know what we're talking about here. "Gale, please tell me…everything is so confusing to me, I want to be certain of something. You're the only one left here with me… me and you…we are so similar, I was angry for so long…I needed something to feel and that is what I chose. But… I can't hold onto it any longer…"**

"**Katniss…I don't deserve to say this to you... but I've always loved you… I tried to push it away when…well…Peeta…you know" he begins to mumble and closes his eyes for a moment taking a long breath and letting it out slowly. "You're amazing… but me… I am happy just to be able to see you, to sit next to you…"**

"**Do you still love me?"**

"**Of course… yes…always Katniss…but as you said there are so many things…we're both so broken…'**

"**Do you think we'll ever be put together Gale?" I whisper… with the anger gone I find myself looking at the boy in the woods, someone I could always trust with my life, maybe this rebellion wasn't going to be the end for us. I grab his hand and hold it gently in both of mine, the sensation brings the first bit of happiness I have felt in a long time.**

"**Katniss… yes I do… but we have to want it. I am lost… I don't think I know who I am anymore…so much of my life was focused on revenge on the Capital, on causing them harm… now that I've done those things I am left with a mountain of regret I don't know if I can overcome. And you…to me you are perfect, but the sadness…all the things you've been through… you don't deserve any of it." He stares down at his hand in mine with a faint smile on his face.**

**He thought I didn't deserve these things… but to me I was an awful person who deserved worse than I got...I look down, not wanting to meet his gaze with my confession, "Sometimes I wish I hadn't made it home from my first Games…it would have stopped all of these things." I don't provide specifics for I knew that Gale would understand, I meant the rebellion and all of the deaths. **

**He looks upset, "Don't ever think that Katniss…now we are all free…we can get medical care and food, no one's children will be sent to their deaths. Yes lives were lost…so many lives…but it was for the future good, I see that Katniss, everyone sees it…no one could ever blame you for not dying during the Games…you were inspiring to us all."**

**I decide to change the subject, the air is getting heavy and I am confused by the possibility of Gale and I being together in some way. "Do you want to stay for dinner?" he nods and we both walk over to the kitchen together, rooting through the fridge and cupboards. We come up with a simple beef stew and we cook it together, working as a team like we did before this mess ever began. There was no need to talk now, we knew what the other was going to do, what we were thinking. It seems as long as we were focusing on something…hunting or even cooking… silence was fine, we didn't need to communicate to be understood…but sitting and talking, it muddled our minds, I decided to give it a rest for a bit.**

**Once we were done Gale set the table while I served the food. We sat in silence for about 20 minutes while we ate before he put down his spoon and asked, "Do you think you can ever forgive me Katniss?" I had a bite of stew in my mouth and I chewed it extremely slowly, trying to find the right words to use. "Gale… I think I already do." He looks surprised and put his elbows on the table leaning forward slightly, "Really? I don't deserve that Katniss…"**

**I put my own spoon down and look directly at him, "Gale… the anger it is eating me alive…I directed it at you because you were the most obvious choice. If I could blame you for killing Prim I didn't have to mourn her, I could just direct everything going on inside me to anger at you. It is easier this way… but I don't know if I can truly place all the blame on you. I just…we were…were so close…and you loved her too… and I just don't know. Its confusing, and thinking about brings up all these ugly thoughts. Instead I just had one ugly thought…blame and anger at you. But it is misplaced. I thought you were unrepentant, a monster who didn't care who he hurt. But that's not true… I am surprised but it's not true. I can't blame you anymore. If I don't let go of the ugliness I feel I will be stuck inside myself forever."**

**He bit his lower lip and I could see tears forming in his eyes as he looked away quickly. "Katniss…I don't know what to say. I did and do love Prim… if only… I want to take back her involvement each and every day of my life…I don't think that will ever change. But… the thought that you would hate me forever, it is hard to face" Then he is up on his feet taking his dish to the sink to be washed. **

**I pick my own plate up and walk up behind him, he turns around slowly and I can see that a few tears managed to escape his eyes. "Gale…please don't be sad… I…I'm not angry anymore…I'm not sure what I am, but it's not angry. My anger at you let me deal with… her… death, but I have to find something else. I… I need you Gale." I was as surprised as him by the words that flowed from my mouth but they were true… I needed him… I am not sure how exactly, but there is time to figure it out.**

**Gales eyes were shining when I said that, "Katniss…you don't even know how it makes me feel to have to say that. I promise you… I am not boy full of rage who…well… you know." He approached me slowly and I wasn't scared or full of anger like I had been the first time I had seen him, after the bombings. I moved towards him as well and in an instant his arms are wrapped around me and I bury my face in his strong chest. Wave after wave of emotion flows over me as I stand there, him wrapped around me like a warm blanket, so strong and steady. The tears begin to flow and I don't even know what I am crying for… he slowly sits me down without letting go of me and lets me cry my tears on him, soaking his shirt as he holds tightly unto me. **

**My sobs slow down and then finally stop and we pull away from each other, I hid my face in my hands, embarrassed at my outburst, when I peak a look at him he is sitting next to me looking concerned. "I'm fine… it's just… it's been so long, too long since I've been able to really let go like that… I felt so safe." He brushes my hair back behind my ear and says, softly, "You will always be safe with me…whatever you need, whenever, I am here Katniss." **

**It's getting to be later and Gale leaves, promising to come back for dinner tomorrow night. As soon as the door shuts I check out the drawers in my bedroom and find some pajamas and change out of the day's clothes. I am on the couch again, looking at my pile of letters. One more before bed, I tell myself and reach into the pile of Gale's letters. And I read.**

_**Katniss,**_

_**I know you probably don't want to hear from me right now, maybe not ever but I had to write. If you ripped this up instead of reading I would understand. There are no words to describe the depths of my regret and sorrow but how things have happened at the end. Never in my wildest imagination did I think that something I helped to create would end the life of someone I loved so much. My actions destroyed countless lives and I don't think I can even ask for your forgiveness. **_

_**There is a line between humanity and being a monster, and I have crossed it. If I am lost to you forever I would understand. I get no joy out of living in a world where you hate me and where she is gone. I fear I have destroyed your mother as well. Please understand that none of these are things I meant to have happen, but they did happen…and they would not have if not for my murderous designs. **_

_**I am sorry, this seems like such a weak thing to say, but words fail me as usual. My life is filled with regret for the things I have done and I pain I have caused. One day, maybe you will be able to look me in the eye again, I want to become a man you're proud of knowing.**_

_**I love you, **_

_**Gale H.**_

**The letter was written only a few days after the bombing, it's sat unopened for this entire time… I had the urge to read more of his letters but I shook it off, I needed to get to sleep. It was getting later and I had my first sessions at the hospital the next day. Marna would be by to have breakfast with me, I didn't want to wake up with puffy eyes from crying…his letters would definitely bring me to tears again. I put the letter down and walk into the bedroom again, wriggling under the thick covers. Sleeping in a real bed felt great when compared to the hospital bed and it wasn't long before I was asleep.**

**O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O**

_**I am by the fishing and swimming hole I loved to go to with my father, sitting on the grassy embankment enjoying the feeling of the warm sun on my body. I was 15 again, Gale runs up to me from the clearing, he is stripping his shirt off and kicking off his shoes, "Come on Katniss, let's go for a dip!" I laugh and kick my shoes to the side, stripping down to my underclothes and running into the shallow end of the pond. We're splashing each other and laughing.**_

"_**Good haul today, we deserve a break" he yells over the sounds of the water, "2 turkeys and 3 rabbits!" I exclaim with joy in my voice. We swim around for a little bit and then drag ourselves out of the water, laying down in the grass to let the run dry us off. "Katniss, today is a perfect day… I wish we could stay like this forever" there is an unfamiliar look in his eye and I laugh nervously. "You're so funny… if we stay here forever how will our families eat?" I tease but there is an undertone of seriousness…without our hunting hauls our families would be hungry.**_

_**He rolls over unto his stomach and gives me an exasperated sigh, "Oh Katniss, I was just daydreaming… of course we can't really stay forever… but this feeling…I wish I could hold unto it forever. I love the woods…and being in them with you." I make a face at him and get up, ready to get dressed. The way he is looking at me makes me uncomfortable, his eyes trail over parts of my body that are usually covered. I don't understand it but I am blushing, suddenly blushing.**_

_**I extend my hand to his to hoist him up and I notice how his muscles are rippling across his chest and shoulders. I'd not looked at him that way before…not just as a hunting partner and friends…but as a boy. I realized that girls who thought about such things likely found him attractive. I lean down and grab his shirt, throwing it at him, "Here get dressed…let's check the line." I feel awkward and want to move one.**_

_**He laughs and pulls his shirt over his head and suddenly something is darkening the sky, there are no clouds but something had blocked out the sun. It's too late when I see it…the last thing I feel is earth rumbling behind me and fire burning my body. Gale is screaming for me… but we're both already dead.**_


	5. Chapter 5

For the rest of the night I don't dream and when I wake up in the morning I feel well rested but emotionally raw. I know that Marna is coming to have breakfast with me this morning and then to take me over to the hospital for some appointments so I hurry into the shower, glad not to be left alone here with my thoughts and my confusion. I barely get dressed in time before she is knocking on the door and when I let her in she greets me with a wide smile.

"How was your first night on your own Katniss?" She is very chipper for so early in the morning and she sets to work making breakfast right away, pulling things out of the fridge and drawers.

"Pretty good…the bed is so comfortable, much better than a hospital bed, it's good to have some privacy back."

She leaves the bacon and eggs on to cook as she checks my fridge and grins, "I see you found your way around the fridge." I nod and she walks over to the electronic gadget on the fridge and taps it once to get it to spring to life. "It will be refilled with those same things unless you use this device to set other preferences." She slowly clicks some buttons to show me where to go and I am amazed at how many options there are. "Just click what you want, clink something that is highlighted to deselect it and they won't bring it anymore. This thing does a lot of things, but I don't want to over load you…so for today we're going to work on the grocery list. OK?"

I nod and she continues to press keys as I watch, trying to memorize her movements. "What do you like for breakfast?" she asks me while looking at the screen with pages of options. I shrugs "Oh I don't know. Eggs, ham, rolls, the usual stuff." She chuckles, "Here in the Capital you'd be surprised at what some people eat for breakfast or in general." I watch her select the buttons for what I've told her and also pick out a few other things, maybe that she likes so I add quickly, "Oh and whatever you like of course…since you're eating here most morning." I am trying to think of others more, it annoys me how naturally this comes for some people but how difficult it is for me. "Thanks Katniss, it's nice of you to think of me."

This continues for the other meals and snacks as well…I don't care too much so she suggests and picks things out for me. The options are endless but in the end it doesn't really matter much to me. I think of Gale and what he might like, remembering a few of his old favorites. Marna could tell my patience was waning as she turned back to the stove, breakfast was finished and ready to serve. I venture into the cupboards for some plates and silverware, a few napkins and 2 glasses for the orange juice I had seen in the fridge. She serves the food and we take our plates to the table to eat.

After a few minutes of chewing in silence Marna asks, "So…did you have a visitor yesterday?" a smile plays on the corners of her lips and I can tell she is teasing me about Gale. I nod and keep my head down, not wanting to really talk about him with her or anyone else, "An old friend who I am getting to know again." My tone is flat and does not invite any follow-up questions. We eat in silence until she begins talking about the hospital and the tests I will be having done and the therapies to be performed on me. The entire visit should take 2-3 hours, then I would be free for the rest of the day.

When we're done eating I scrap off the remaining food into the trash and rinse the dishes. She laughs and shows me a contraption they have in the Capital called a dishwasher, it is supposed to automatically wash the dishes with the press of a small button. I've never heard of that, but I trust her and put the plates in the machine's wire rack and close the door.

I follow Marna out the door, eager to return and later to see Gale again.

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**Gale's POV**

I still can't believe she's even letting me near her again. My worse fear is that she would hate me forever for the thoughts, ideas and designs I had. I can't believe she thought I had no remorse, but then again, if she thought I was a cold and heartless monster I can see how she would come to that conclusion. I guess it was her rage that first brought her back to life from her silent shell-like state. I could not have hoped for any other reaction from her, and I have no right to hope for or expect anything different now…but it hasn't been that way.

I have nothing but remorse, some day, before Katniss came back to the world I would almost drown in it. I feel guilt for so many things. For the obvious, Prim's death and the death of the other children and medics, Prim was like my own sister. During the games I sat with her to watch every night, she would bury her face in my shirt and cry during the more gruesome and scary parts. She grew up under my eyes, no longer the small child that played with dolls, but someone with so much love and compassion for human life that she risked her own. Thinking of her brings her little face into focus in my mind, always full of a smile and eyes so bright and cheerful it would brighten anyone's day.

I am ashamed to admit to myself that I feel sorry for what happened for a much less noble reason. I had hoped, after the war was over and we were back home that Katniss and I could have a life together, become close again and friends at the least. But her justified anger, of which I earned every molecule, meant she would never talk to me again. I spent a long time mourning for what we would never have together. I know how selfish these thoughts are and I feel guilt for thinking them, but still they are there, every day, wishing things were different so that me and Katniss could have a chance. Before Katniss came too I would spend hours outside of her room looking at her through the small window. She was so small, so alone, I just wanted to take her pain and anguish away. I couldn't and knowing that I inflicted that on her, it makes it harder.

But now there is a glimmer of hope. She spent some time yelling at me, I deserved it and more. But she has run out of names to call me and almost seems to be forgiving me. My deep remorse shocks her into rethinking her position on me. Last night I got to have her in my arms, to hold her while I cried. It was a far stretch from the days I would watch her predators while she pulled back her bow in the woods but it felt good just to have her near me, to provide her with some comfort. She's lost so much, it seemed like her tears would never stop, and I would gladly sit with her each night, holding her while she cried or even yelled or anything else.

I have no idea what to expect when I come over tonight. One day I wish that home will be the same place for both of us, that she will be mine forever, but how can I dream of this when I've barely convinced her I didn't mean to kill her sister. I can't give up on her. She isn't the girl she was before, but the fire behind her eyes, her scowls and her attitude draw me to her. Since the rebellion has ended I have been approached by many woman, some beautiful and some rich, but none of them have inside of them the same thing as Katniss does. I knew the moment she could match me skill in the woods that she was one of a kind and she has proven that time and time again. She doesn't have a forgiving nature, so I have a long way to go. I worry she will think all I want her for is the physical and it isn't true. I want all of her.

I turn back to the papers on my desk and glance at the clock on my office wall, not even close to time to go to see Katniss. I can't concentrate at all and I shuffle my paperwork mindlessly for a few minutes before abruptly standing and heading to the break room, I'm hoping a cup of coffee might help me focus.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Mara leads me down the elevator of the hospital and stops when we get to the lobby, "OK, on your own now…do you remember how to get home?" she looks worried but I nod and reassure her, "Straight down this street…I know, don't worry…you know I used to be out and about all the time." A sarcastic comment, she didn't deserve it, but I'm annoyed with being treated like a small child. I look down "Sorry, I didn't mean it the way it came out." No sense in getting my nurse annoyed with me. She nods and smiles, turning back to the elevator with a wave.

I wait for her to enter the elevator and for the doors to close behind her before venturing outside. It had been a long time since I was roaming on my own. The last time I was on the city street by myself was at the end, when the truly bad things happened. I tried not to think about these things as I stepped out to the sidewalk and stood to the side watching the people walk by. The streets are busy and there is an eclectic mix of traditional Capital resident with their wild hair and body modifications and former residents of other districts now living in the Capital. The new government has open the borders and the citizens are free to move between districts, phone lines connect them all as well.

I stop my day dreaming and step fully out into the main area where everyone is walking and I head towards the place I now call home. On the way there are all kinds of things that catch my attention and I indulge all of my curiosities and stop to explore them all. There is nothing waiting for me at home, only a pile of letters, the TV and some lunch meat. On the way between home and the hospital is a flower shop, a small restaurant and a newspaper stand.

I linger at the newspaper stand the longest, happy to see both local and national papers. I consider purchasing one, but wave the thought off deciding that reading the news might not be the best idea for me. There are also tabloids, publications that thrive on gossip. Splashed on the cover of one is a picture of Johanna, her eyes full of madness, her hair matted and her cloths torn. The headline proclaims she is wild and has taken to living in the woods, alone. I feel sad for her, wondering if any of that mail in my pile is from her. I wonder where she is now, and I wish I could help her, but it's not likely because I can barely help myself now. It doesn't seem fair for me to be living in a nice apartment, with the best medical treatment, while she is left on her own, she is obviously ill, but instead of helping some nosy magazine follows her to photograph her and writes an embarrassing piece about her. I put the magazine down, disgusted that people want to read something like that and I continue on home.

It is lunchtime when I reach my apartment and I am hungry. I dig in the fridge and come up with a salad and something wrapped with thin bread, it's labeled a burrito. I grab my plate and plop myself on the couch putting the TV on for some background noise. My eyes focus on the piles of mail I've neglecting and I and resolve to read as many as I can today. Hearing the words people have written me in the past is going to be difficult no matter when I do it, there is no use to putting it off, and it's not as if I have anything else to do. I have thought about just throwing them away or hiding them from myself, but I have to start facing people and my life at some point.

After I've eaten and placed my dishes in the contraption that promises to wash them I sit back down, curling my legs under myself with a pile of letters, beginning with my mother's letters. Though my anger for Gale was beginning to disappear I still felt a lot of rage towards my mother. I know that I didn't give her any sign of life, but I was the only family she had left and she just walked away from me. I always knew that she was closer with Prim, but it still stung to be so completely left by the only family you have. It reminded me too much of my father's death when she left us, but only mentally, she was physically still with us. Now, it's turned around and she physically left me, walked out to continue her life unfettered by her child. I rip into the 2nd letter she'd written me.

_Katniss,_

_You may never read these letters, but I am going to keep writing them. I know you're likely angry with me and I am so sorry. I wish I was a stronger person that I didn't run from the memories of the Capital and from you. You have every right to hate me. I stole your childhood by forcing you to feed the family after your father "left" us. And now, I have left you in your time of most need, after all the things you've gone through. It kills me inside Katniss, I blame myself entirely and every day I live with the guilt of how I am treating my child. You are such a strong and independent person, my weakness and dependency must be totally foreign to you. I wish there was a way to express why I am here in 4 and you're alone in the Capital, but there is no way. If I stayed in the Capital I would have turned into the shell of a woman, the woman who didn't even get out of bed to work to put food on her family's table. I just couldn't go back there, I am broken but staying where the memories are would have made me irreparable._

_I love you so much and I always will, I call the doctors for updates on you all the time, I hope you're better soon, but I love you no matter what._

_Mom_

I held the letter until I noticed drops of water hitting the page. All I can think about are those awful times, after dad died when we had no food in the house, when mom wouldn't even get up to dress herself and all Prim did was cry. I tried to scavenge food from anywhere I could that is how I ran into Peeta after taking no notice of him for years. The bread he gave me saved me, it gave me hope and that is when I took to the woods. The woods where I met Gale and where we were happy for years before the Games ruined everything. Those months were the scariest of my life, I feared for myself, but mostly for Prim who was so small and defenseless. All I felt was anger towards my mother, she refused to care for the family she had and she was going to let us die. In the end that didn't kill us, but I always remember how weak she was at the time.

She sees this in herself too, her weakness and fragile nature, and it makes me feel better that she does feel guilty for leaving me. What kind of relationship I could ever have with her? No relationship if I never let go of my anger. I spent most of my childhood holding a low amount of anger and bitterness towards her. After dad died we were never the same, even when she came back to us I couldn't bring myself to trust her again. How could I ever count on her not leaving us again? It's clear that I was right to keep her at a distance; she did end up leaving me. I wonder what she would have done had I not gone mute and had shown her signs that I was coming back to her? Would she have stayed with me or made the same excuses to leave? I could never be sure.

I rip open the rest of the stack of letters from her and read them all, one after another. In each she expresses her guilt and her unconditional love for me, the only letter with anything different is the last one, written after I had begun talking.

_Katniss,_

_I heard the news and I wish more than anything that I was there for you right now. I have to say it does surprise me that Gale is the one that got you to come back to us, but so happy. I hope you can let go of your anger for him and live a good life. Gale is a good man and he loves you very much, I think he always had…maybe one day you can find that something in your heart calls for him. He is the one that taught you so much in the woods, that helped our family through the Games, and that never gave up on you. He never left you Katniss, he stood by your door every day, never being allowed in to see you. I don't blame him for what happens to Prim, I love him like a son still. I hope one day you'll not blame him either._

_In any case, I am going to come see you, I hope you will want to see me when I arrive._

_I love you,_

_Mom_

My mom was coming to see me…I don't know how I feel. Seeing her again is going to feel weird, I have to figure out whether I can her forgive her for abandoning me for a second time, and I am not sure I can. I have to try at least, for Prim, she would want me and mom together and getting along. I am slightly unsettled about what she says about Gale, was she surprised because she expected Peeta to be the one to comfort me and make me whole again? I think everyone expected that, but instead I drove him to insanity and only roused myself for Gale…to scream at him.

The other things she said about Gale were true, he was a good man. I could have gotten along in the woods alright on my own, but with him I was able to do so much better, I fed my family and was able to trade and sell my catches as well. Gale showed me how to do so many things, he protected me, and he guided me. I never knew why he bothered, and I wondered if she was right, that he had indeed always loved me. The thought of him standing outside my room each day but not being allowed in to see me really makes me sad, I would have given up after not too long, but he kept trying and now here I am.

My thoughts are interrupted by the buzzing of the phone. Gale! He's here right now, I look down at myself, my cloths rumpled and the couch littered with envelopes and letters. I jump up and press the button to let him in and go to work gathering the paper that is spread all over the sofa into a pile, so he will have somewhere to sit. He is at the door in a moment and I open it to let him in. He's standing there, head down slightly, dark eyes empty and I grab his arm and pull him inside and to the couch, sitting him down.

He glances at the open letters and opens his eyes wide, "Have you been reading my letters?" his voice shows that he is nervous, this is a side of him I never saw. He was confident to the point of smugness at times, always so sure of himself. Now he was a small child, scared of his teacher's reaction to something he had done.

I shake my head, "No… I read one yesterday, but this afternoon I read all the ones my Mother had written me. She's coming here soon, and I'm not sure how I feel about it." I admit this to him, I don't have anyone else to tell these things to.

"Are you angry with her?" he asks, straightforward as always.

I nod in answer and pause to think before responding, "Yes… I know I shouldn't be…but she just left me here, to basically die. It brings back what happened after the accident" I don't need to tell Gale which accident as it is the one that took his father from him as well. "She was going to let the both of die while she just let her sadness swallow her. She watched us suffer for so long and did nothing. We were grieving for dad as well, but our grief was less important to her than….I don't know!" my voice is raspy and I am yelling, not at Gale but in general.

Gale slides closer to me so that we're almost touching and puts a hand over mind, the gesture warms me inside and is strangely reassuring. "I don't think you're wrong to feel that way Katniss." He says with confidence, not wanting to upset me further.

"What do I do? Do I just forget that I have a mother? Do I welcome her back with open arms? I can't just pretend that nothing has happened, that she hasn't hurt me with her actions. She's let me down and…I don't know what…it's too confusing, it's been so long since anything in my life has been simple." I lower my voice and let out a loud sigh, sinking further into the couch and against Gale's shoulder.

"I don't think you can just jump right back into a happy mother and daughter relationship. You've never had that anyhow. But cutting her off all the way… she's still your mother and she is the only family you have left now. I understand your anger. She was weak, and you and I have little patience with weakness, but that is how she is. Maybe you could try to accept her for what she is now, not what you've wished she was?" Not used to going into such a topic Gale averts his eyes from mine, wincing in preparation for my reaction.

But I know he is right and decide to lighten the mood, "When did you get so deep Gale?"

He turns back to me and winks, "I just thought of it right now. It's hard when the people you love let you down. I let you down in the worse way, and I am hoping you'll see past it…I guess I was hoping for the same for your mother." He is quiet when he brings up how he's let me down and I nod, understanding where he is coming from with that explanation.

"My mother said something very interesting, that she thinks you've always loved me. That you waited outside my room everyday though you weren't allowed in. Is it true Gale? Did you really…always…love me…?" I ask the question and look away from him, shifting my body so I don't want to look at him. 

"Yes Katniss, any other girl would have known, but you were different. You never looked at me like a boy to have a crush on and it wasn't just your beauty that drew me to you. It was your skill, the spark inside your eyes, and I don't even know what…you were amazing and right from the start I knew that I loved you, I had hoped that one day you might love me too…that was of course before all this happened." I knew what he mean by 'all this' but I was shocked at his feelings for me. I thought I was an annoyance to him before I really began to pull my own in the woods.

"Did you wait outside my room?" he nods "Why?" I wonder why anyone would put themselves through that. Why not just forget about me and go on with your life like my own mother had done? "Why would you waste your time like that?"

He lets out a small chuckle, "Katniss, I needed to see you. Thoughts of you consumed me, there was no way I could live again without seeing you, even if it was only once more to hear you tell me how much you hated me and what I monster I was. You were just alone in your own little world, surrounded by your own grief, you looked so small and so vulnerable, watching over you felt right to me. It wasn't a waste of my time in the least. No time with you, even if only I know I am with you is waste to me Katniss."

I swallow hard, confused by how he could still hold onto me when I just felt so empty…what was there left of me for anyone? "Did you feel you owed it to me and so you had to?" guessing at the only thing that made sense, Gale's sense of obligation is as strong as mine, neither of us want to owe anyone anything.

He shakes his head, mouth slightly open in surprise, "Of course not Katniss…I had to because…well isn't it obvious to you? I've never stopped loving you; I've only given up hope that you'd love me back. But I want to be there with you, in any way I can be. During that time, that was the only way I could be near you. So I took what I could get."

"Gale…" I gasp, utterly baffled at how he could still love me now, after everything. "I am changed…all the things… I am not the girl you met in the woods." I am falling over my words "I don't deserve to be loved. I am broken, ugly inside and out, selfish…you need to be happy, I can't make anyone happy."

Gale takes both my hands in his and turns me to face him, he leans into me and whispers into my ear, "You're the most beautiful person in the world to me Katniss." The air moving through my hair tickles my ear and sends a shiver down my spine and I feel warm in my stomach. I don't know what to say but he pulls away quickly standing and walking towards the kitchen.

"How about some dinner?" he asks playfully, wanted to let the air get less heavy between us, and I am grateful to drop the subject. It is something I am going to have to think about, but for now focusing on cooking with him is enough.


	6. Chapter 6

**Peeta's POV**

I've been in this place for days, or months, or years…it's impossible for me to tell. Every day is the same as the last and the medication blurs my mind and makes time do funny things. Much of the day I have the option to go wander the ward or to sit in the public area, but I almost never do, interacting with the other patients makes me feel insane and I try to convince myself that I am not. I go to my therapy sessions but hardly say anything; nothing that they can say to me will make my life okay. No amount of talking will right all the things that have gone wrong for me.

I remember the day I came here so clearly, it is my last clear memory, one I replay in my mind constantly. I was with Katniss, begging her to talk to me, to look at me, for any sign of life in her. I got nothing, as she laid perfectly still, her head turned away from me, and her dark eyes staring blankly at the opposite wall. I tried for weeks to get her to acknowledge me, to give me something to work with, some bit of hope. But I never got anything from her. Each visit ended badly, me in hysterics and Katniss curling into a ball but otherwise unresponsive. The doctors would take me away and I'd calm down, trying again another day.

But this last time…well I mainly blacked out, but the anger and the indignation I felt, I still feel it now, I relive it over and over again. It enraged me how Katniss could not even give me a look, a squeeze of the hand, nothing, it was selfish, surely she could find the mental energy to acknowledge me, to give me what I needed. All that begging, the tears and all of the things I said to her, they meant nothing to her. She was supposed to love me, she told me she loved me, but she didn't, not if she couldn't muster up even the smallest of gestures for me. All I wanted to do was to make the little…little bitch look at me, respond to me, to do something, anything at all. When they came to take me out of there one last time I was threatening her, promising to kill her just like she'd killed me. Even then she didn't give me as much as a glance/

I tried to list the things that I knew to be true to hold onto my sanity but it didn't work. At the top of the list was Katniss, her love and presence in my life. After my hijacking she had managed to convince me she loved me, and that it wasn't just as a show for the cameras, that she had never and would never use me, that she'd never leave me. But it was all lies…it seems that she may have made the hijacking up entirely. I remember more and more from the days I was kidnapped in the Capital, they played real footage for me, torturing me with the love of my life plotting against me, using me, being with other men and so on. Those things were true. Katniss is out to hurt me, to kill me, starting with my soul and sanity. That is the only explanation for her action.

I need to play nice in here; I can't be stuck in here for the rest of my life. I have nothing really left to live for, no family and no more friends. Katniss was the last good thing in my life, or so I thought, but she made a fool of me, played me like a musical instrument. I had to take my revenge on her, make her hurt life she has made me hurt, to take her life from her and finally be safe myself. I would never be safe in this world as long as she was still in it.

I sigh loudly and sit down on my bed. I keep thinking that one day she may come here to see me. Some days my old emotions resurface. I don't want to believe that her goal is to hurt me, I was desperately for her love for me to be real, and for the images I remember viewing to be a hoax. But each day she doesn't write, come by, or even send news that part of me crawls further into my subconscious and my rage for she treats me increases.

I pull my knees to my body, trying to sort my shiny memories apart from the real memories but they blur more and more the longer that I am here. There seems to be no way out, I don't feel insane, but they are convinced I am. I ask them what they want me to do, I will do whatever it is, but they just shake their heads and jot down notes in their clipboards. I always wonder what those notes say; if only I could read them I would know what to do to get out of this place, to get away from the medication they give me to sedate me enough to control.

My only visitor has been Haymitch, the old drunk mentor who always seemed to like Katniss better than me. He never told me it was going to be okay, he knew that it wouldn't be. Nothing would ever be okay again, not after the games and the war, it had changed us all. He hurled a few insults at me, they didn't so much offend me as make me feel nostalgia, his insults meant a sense of fondness, though most people couldn't see it. In a way his drinking put him in the same place as I live mentally, a blur where one day blends into the next.

The visit did me good, and he told me he may come back, but I know this means he promises to visit again. I hoped he would come soon, but this time I hope he has some news about Katniss. He hadn't heard anything before the visit, and I am slightly annoyed that he had not made a point of finding out, of knowing how she was. Apparently she had failed to show him any sign of life, a mental avox is what he called her. It was still a huge surprise that he had no idea about how she was, she has always been the favored out of the two of us.

A nurse enters the room with a small tray containing a small cup of pills and a glass of water. I know the drill, stand up and take the pills with the water. After I swallowed I open my mouth and let the nurse inspect the insides, checking to ensure I had actually swallowed my medication. I go back to sit on the bad, glad for the pills as they should put me to sleep for a few hours.

**Katniss' POV**

After a week in my apartment I had fallen into a routine. Every morning I get up and wait for my visit from a nurse. Together we eat breakfast and if I need to visit the hospital I walk back with them. I am told that my visits will become less and less frequent until I no longer need to live within close proximity to the doctors. I am looking forward to the day, but honestly don't know where I'd like to live or what I will do once I no longer need to stay in the apartment.

If I don't have any tests or appointments I am alone in my place. I am slowly making my way through the stack of letters. Some are easier to read than others. Peeta's letters and the rest of Gale's sit unopened. The thought of opening then letters from Gale make me anxious, I don't know if I want to read the things Gale wrote me, I imagine they mention my sister and I know that will set me off into a fit of sobs and tears, I am not ready. The letters might allude to his feelings for me, feelings I don't fully understand. I know that my first reaction is a slightly embarrassed feeling and my cheeks turn red, but I can't say I don't feel the same. I am not really sure how I feel, but not thinking of Gale as my sister's murdered has opened the door to have him back in my life.

As for Peeta's letters, I don't know if kind and gentle Peeta wrote them or whether hijacked Peeta's voice had taken over. The letters could be full of declarations of love, love I couldn't return to him. He deserved for me to return his feelings for me, he'd gone through so much for me and because of me. A better person would love him back, but not me, I am apparently too selfish. The other scenario has him ranting and raving at me, calling me horrible names and accusing me of atrocious things. Either case, it was something I wasn't ready for.

The other letters were easier. Beetee sent one letter to me, right after he'd left the district. I put it in a pile of people I should reach out to.

_Katniss,_

_I am leaving the Capital this afternoon for District 2, I'll be working on developing an electrical grid so all Districts can have electricity they can rely on daily. I won't bore you with the technical details, but it's very exciting to me. I hope one day you can visit me here and I can show you what I've been working on, I think you'd really like it. Hope you're up and about soon!_

_Beetee_

The letter was the first to really make me smile. I don't think is particularly funny, it's a dry message, about some technical job, but I love the normalcy of it. Like I had just been napping when he left, so he left a note so I'd know where to find me. There was no question in there as to whether I'd ever be a part of society again; it was just a matter of when for him. It was the same feeling as the day, all those years ago, that Peeta had thrown me the bread. Some hope.

The letters from Haymitch didn't particularly upset me either. He wrote 3 letters to me, mainly insults about my lack of constitution. I shook my head when I read it, I wonder how he is doing in District 12 and what it is like now.

"…_it would be just like to stay there like a rock forever. You're weak, some Mockingjay you turned out to be."_

"_It's just like you not to think of anyone but yourself. Anyone else would have thought about their mother, especially when they youngest child had dies."_

"_You were always a little snot."_

Those were some of my favorite lines from his notes to me, but they didn't make me angry. He wasn't wrong when he said those things, and deep down I know he was trying to provoke something from me.

The notes from Johanna, 5 in all, are all about the gossip going around Panem. There were many plans in place to connect the districts and lots of people were mingling together and making unexpected couples. I am not really interested in the gossip of a romantic nature, but even I am surprised to read about Effie and Plutarch and how they now live together.

After I make my way through a few letters I have lunch. I like to sit on the couch and watch the midday show. The show I like to watch features different destinations and notable place in the various districts. I live vicariously through the perky woman who goes there and films it for everyone to watch. Sometimes they show places close to me, I am free to go out there and visit them, but I haven't done it yet. The furthest I have gone is a small park half of a block from my building, just around the corner.

After lunch I go back to reading or walk around the block, this is how I discovered the park. I can sit there, among some trees in the middle of a crowd of people and just relax. It is nothing like the woods; it may not even qualify as a park. It's a handful of trees and benches; there is a tiny pond, nothing special, but I'd have to go a long way from the city to sit in the real outdoors, so this is what I can do now.

The late afternoons and evenings…those I have been spending with Gale. I am finding myself looking forward to his visits; I don't want him to leave at night. I have no idea how it would feel to spend the night next to him, while I've spent many nights curled up with Peeta I had never really considered being wrapped up in Gale's arms instead. Thinking about these things makes my cheeks red and a warm feeling in my belly, but I find my mind wandering to his strong arms around my waist.

I find all these thoughts surprising…going from hating his guts to feeling something, something different for him. At first I was just glad to have the possibility of having his friendship back; he was the only person I could truly count on growing up. Once I knew about his feelings for me, there was a niggling thought in my mind about what it would be like if we were together in a romantic way. I am not sure where to go with these thoughts. Gale doesn't try anything with me along those lines, I know he is hopeful that I might return his feelings, but is waiting for me.

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My mother will be here tomorrow; this evening will be our last dinner alone for a few days. Seeing her again is making me anxious and I know having Gale with me will help. But, I'm still not sure I can ask him, it's not that I think the answer will be no…it's that I can never take it back. I couldn't just use him for my comfort without thinking about what my actions are telling him, and if I really mean all those things. I didn't want Gale and I to be a repeat of my relationship with Peeta, when I had been all too happy to spend my nights with him chasing away my nightmare. I knew Peeta loved me and would take that as me returning the feeling, but really I was basically using him. I don't plan to do that again, and especially not to Gale.

Gale shows up with a special dessert, his hard face soften slightly with his grin. "Evening Katniss!" he gestures to the box in his hand, "Brought us some dessert." He follows me to the couch and plops down next to me. "So, what do you want for dinner?"

I shrug and sit down close to him, almost touching. "Oh, anything really, how about a walk around the block first? I've been spending too much time cooped up in here. There's a tiny park around the corning, its not exactly fresh air…but it's as close as I can get here."

Gale smiles and jumps to his feet, holding out his hand to me. "Sounds great! Let's get out of here then."

We walk next to each other in silence and the sidewalk is crowded with people walking home from work. When we reach the entrance to the park I grab his arm and lead him to my favorite bench, closest to the pound. Gale seems surprised by my hand on him arm but makes no move in protest. We sit for a few minutes in silence, the sounds of the city buzzing around us.

"I wish we were still in the woods." I didn't have to explain any further, I know he understood what I meant. "Things were so simple there."

Gale places a hand over mine and nods. "Yes, they really were. I miss spending the day in the woods, catching fish or hunting, even gathering the plants and berries. Some days I can practically smell those woods."

"But we'll never get those days back. Everything has changed, I don't even know if the woods are still there anymore, or the meadow. I wonder if I'll ever be back there, and even if I was, would there be something left for me there. Will you ever go back?"

Gale looks over at me, his eyes sad. "I honestly don't know. It depends on a number of things."

"Like what?"

"You…well where you decided to go… I want to go there."

I look down and swallow hard; this was my chance, to ask him to stay with me…to make me feel safe at night. "You would really follow me… but what about your life here? Your work?"

He shakes his head rigorously. "None of it matters as much as you do. I can work and build a life anywhere, but there is only one of you and…well you know.

"Will you stay with me?"

"Of course, I will always be here for you."

"No…I mean…well now…" I trail off hoping he would fill in the blank.

"Yes, now, tomorrow and every day after that." His gray eyes confused.

"Tonight... will you…"

I didn't need to say more when I could always see the idea form in his mind. "Oh! Are you sure?"

"Yes…my mom, she's coming tomorrow, I know the nightmares are coming back. I think…you'd make me feel so much better." I realize I am giving him the reasons I always gave Peeta. "I mean… that came out wrong." I turn my body toward him and place my second had on the one that he placed over mine. "Gale, I think I am starting to…fall for you." My face flushes bright red thinking about what I'd just said, it was so mushy and girly, nothing like me.

"Well, I think I'll stay… I'd love for you to keep on falling Katniss." He squeezes my hand "Wow… I didn't expect that….you surprise me, every day. You always have, it's one of the things I most love about you. You're not dull and predictable."

I scooted closer to him until I could lay my head against his shoulder. I closed my eyes and breathed in his smell. It was fresh and clean, almost like the air in the woods. Pressing my side against his spread a warm feeling throughout me and I don't want to pull away. Gale is strong, his muscles not too large but well defined from years of physical work. I don't know how long we stay this way but I notice the sun beginning to set on the horizon and he sees it as well.

"Should we head in? Maybe make a stir-fry for dinner?" he asks me as I pry my head off of his shoulder and we stand up and walk back to my place.

While we're walking I think about what just went on in the park, I had done it, asked him to stay with me and I had been honest. I didn't want him there just because I knew I would sleep more soundly. I wanted him there for me…to be warm against me, to tickle my neck with his breath, to talk to me softly as I fell asleep. There were many things to look forward to and I try to concentrate on dinner.

The cooking is quick, we have a system we never needed to communicate with each other. Just like the days we spent in the woods, we divided the work and both plugged away at in, finishing in half the time it would take on person. In about half an hour we were sitting down to our meal.

"So…your mother's visit. Nervous?"

I nod and take a bite of dinner. "I just don't know what to think. She left me…but maybe I would have done the same in her situation. And then there is Prim, there was so much of my mother in her…and it will be the first time we're together since…what happened." I am babbling slightly but he listens patiently, stroking my hand to comfort me.

"This is hard…but she is your family, your only blood family now. She isn't as strong as you…most people aren't. She's a broken woman… I know she loves you." He squeezes my hand and I know what he says is true.

"What will she think? The last time she saw me I was…well still very sick. There are so many subjects I want to avoid."

"She will be so happy to see you better, what else could she think? The subjects you want avoided are problem the same ones she doesn't want to discuss."

I think about this for a moment…I imagine she would take non-stop about Prim's death, but it made more sense for her to not bring it up with me at this point. She Is likely full of grief…maybe one day we'd talk about everything and cry together, but many not during this visit.

We both go back to eating, chewing in thoughtful silence. I am counting down the minutes until it's time to go to bed… I am terrified of what it will be like but excited to finally find out as well. Gale doesn't seem nervous at all, eating his dinner at a steady pace, looking down at the bowl in front of him. I finish first and pick my plate up and take it into the kitchen. He finishes a few moments later and joins me in the kitchen, starting the clean cycle on the device that cleans the dishes.

We move to the couch as we have for the past few nights and put on the evening show, news from around the districts. I am paying no attention as I sit close enough to Gale to be touching him, I can feel his heart beat and it sooths me, I can't help it, I lay my upper body against him, my head resting on his chest. He looks down at me, surprised but happy looking. He takes his arm out from under me and wraps it around my hips turning me slightly into him.

I am happy and relaxed, and something else I don't remember ever feeling before. "Gale…" I whisper as I look up at him.

"Yes?"

"I…I think…oh Gale, I need this, I need you. I…Love you, I think" I blurt out, wanting to tell him how amazing the feeling of him against me was but not having the words. I settle myself deeper into him.

"Katniss… "


	7. Chapter 7

**I am so sorry for the long delay. I wanted to update but the longer it got the harder it was to do it. But I finally just sat myself up and did it. Here is Peeta's POV.**

_Laying perfectly still in the mud I am covered with leaves and mud. My leg is worthless and I figure that I will die at any moment. Every time I hear a cannon fire I wonder if it is firing for me, whether I am actually dead. When I hear the announcement that both Katniss and I could survive the Games and go home, a tiny glimmer of hope runs through me and I wait, praying that she is out looking for me. I don't think I can even move myself out of my position, I need her if I have any hope of being found, but more than that I want her to be thinking of me, looking for me. She doesn't need me, I hope she wants me around and going home with her._

_When she does find me in my hiding place I am overcome with relief and happiness. It's the first time I have actually felt happy in the arena. She is surprised about how I managed to disguise myself in the riverbed and she was shocked at the state of my leg. Her mother was the town healer and I was lucky to have the best healer available to me. She cleaned me and bandaged me up as best as she could, I can tell it's difficult for her, and she is modest about the work she'd done._

_I am no help walking to a safer place, I am clumsy and even louder than I am normally, she loses patience with me a few times, but I can understand it, I am slowing her down and increases her chances of being killed. Once we get in the cave things get a little blurry, she kissed me, and it was amazing. I have imagined kissing her thousands of times; no scenario ever included our first kiss happening in the Games. It doesn't matter though because it actually happened, unlike my dreams which never will. Her tough against my skin is so soft and so gentle, I love her so much and it seems she might feel the same._

Every night my dreams start the same way, back in the first Games, with Katniss. It's always so peaceful and the memories make me feel content. The days we'd spent together in the cave were some of my happiest memories of Katniss and I. I was so thankful about the rule change, to see her again, and to have a chance of going home alive, there was fear and anxiety as well, but these feelings were well overshadowed. I wish my dreams would stay like this, remembering Katniss as she was when we first met.

_We're standing on the train station, restored to the condition we came to the Capital in, except for my leg, it was lost forever. Katniss is anxious and upset, inside she is clearly going through something, and I am crushed because despite what happened in the arena one good thing had come out of it, Katniss… The air is crisp and her eyes connect with mine, she tells me it was all an act, a play for the Capital sponsors, a ploy to stay alive. This train ride and the Tour, that's all the time I have left with Katniss, we won't have to pretend after that._

_She stands there looking at me, waiting for a response or an answer but I can't move my mouth to say anything. I feel numb on the inside and my face gets very hot, but she doesn't seem very upset at all, she is sullen and her gray eyes reveal nothing about what is going on inside. I take a deep breath and push my emotions down into the bottom of my stomach, I love her, I know seeing me hurt is going to hurt her so I have to stronger and not show her how much she has broken my heart._

_When we get home we wave and hold hands for the camera one last time and she leaves my side immediately, almost shoving me aside as she looks for her family and for Gale. I know that's why she told me she didn't love me, it was because of him. I know he's had an inclination towards her for a long time, but Katniss never wanted any relationship so he has settled for hunting partner. Seeing us together during the Games must have really bothered him. He wasn't on the platform waiting to meet the train and I can see the look on her face as she surveys the crowd and finds him missing. This crushes me even more, it's not just that she doesn't love me…she actually loves someone else, him._

This dream usually comes next, every time I feel like I am going through it again and again, hearing her say those words, seeing her looking for Gale. The time before the Tour was almost unbearable; she barely looked in my direction. I spent most of my time painting when I wasn't working in the bakery, getting everything inside of me out. Going through the motions everyday was tedious but manageable.

Since coming here I have taken to painting again, there isn't much else to do all day. Sometimes the images I paint are pleasant like sunsets or fields of flowers, and sometimes dark landscape and crumbled buildings. My favorite thought was to paint Katniss; I am working on two paintings. One of her with her bow poised to shoot into the trees, a smile on her face, free in the woods of 12, her mockingjay pin shining in the setting sun. The second is a scene from the Quarter Quell, it was during the time of the chaos from the break, Katniss is running away, her hair knotted and matted, fear clearly apparent in her face.

_Once we're on Tour we go back to pretending to be in love, playing it up for the audience back in the Capital. Suddenly Katniss is all in on the act again, almost like she is giving me the chance I so badly want. We both have nightmares; the Games have caused so much damage to both of us. We end up sleeping together at night, helping each other fight away the bad dreams, getting some sleep for the first time in months. Having Katniss safe in my arms while I slept was amazing, my dreams usually centered on losing her. _

_Visiting District 11 is the hardest, Rue's family is forced to stand in the front and listen to us. Katniss cared so much for Rue, she reminded her so much of Prim, so childlike and whimsical. Her treatment of Rue during her final moments had earned her the respect of the people of the District. Just thinking about Rue, small even for a 12 year old, made my stomach turn, it has to be much worse for her, she loved her like she loves her sister, and the guilt overwhelms her sometimes._

_The Tour is so tedious, each stop is mainly like the last, after the first stop we were not allowed to read our own statements, the Capital provided the short speech they wanted us to give. The days on the Tour are difficult and long but at night I get to talk Katniss into my arms and feel her warmth next to me. More than anything I wish she wanted me there for more than her nightmares but this is enough for me. At night I get to wrap my arms around her, securing her next to me, I lay awake enjoying the feeling of her next to me, her steady rhythmic breathing, and the smell of her hair. _

_It's not a perfect arrangement for me, I would rather have something with Katniss then nothing but I know that we were stuck in the friends' category for the time being. She has so thoroughly stomped on my vision of us being mutually in love with one another I know not to get my hopes up to high. But I know I can't be without her in some way, I am willing to settle for her tolerating me, trusting me to comfort her in her sleep and when wakes up screaming. I'm not sure whether this makes me the biggest wimp or the most hopeful person, but there is again a chance for me to win her over, for her to fall in love with me, I have a feeling this happens slowly if at all with her._

This is usually when I startle awake, and realize my arms are empty. If I could go back to that time I would, and would stay there forever. Thinking of holding her in my arms consumes me and I obsess over what it would feel like if I had her with me. If I close my eyes I can almost feel her next to me, her hair tickling my face, her heart beating under my arms.

This isn't ever going to happen. I don't even know where she if or how she is doing. I ask about her over and over again but I never get any concrete answers and asking about her too much causes them to furiously scribble notes in my file. I just want to know whether she is getting any better, where she is now, it doesn't seem like I will ever see her again and this is heart breaking. I spend hours writing her letters and writing down everything I can remember about her. I never want to forget anything.

_The air is heavy and humid, waves crash a few inches away but I don't notice anything, it's like I am not in the arena at all. I close my eyes and our lips meet, hers are salty and I can't get enough of them. Katniss kisses me back eagerly and snakes her hands through my hair and all over my back and stomach. Everywhere she touches becomes electrified and I pull her in closer to me, running my hands up her spine, feeling her react beneath me._

_It's the first time that I knew she wasn't kissing me for the cameras and it is exhilarating, I feel so alive, it's ironic because we've both days from probable death. I can feel a passion coming from her, an urgency and need I'd never felt before. I don't know what came over her but I regret that I'll not be able to enjoy this for much longer, the end is coming soon for one or both of us, either way she won't be in my arms forever. Forever is what I wish we had, I don't want to stop, but we need to pay attention, the arena is full of people, animals, plants, and traps all trying to kill us. I pull away from her reluctantly and she stares up at me, an overwhelming feeling of warmth runs though me, she is so beautiful._

This one is my favorite, but sometimes it ends with Katniss disappearing or something happening to her. Once, when I opened my eyes she was not there at all, I was laying on my stomach, my face in the sand. I would give anything to have her lips on mine again, but it was happen. I can't move past this fact…that I will never be able to see, hold, or kiss her again. I know that if she wanted to come see me ,that it would only happen if she wanted it to, and she didn't.

_I am screaming in pain, strapped to the metal table there is nothing I can do except writhe and yell. The torture is accompanied by images of Katniss, the goal is to get me to associate her with pain. But they can't, I know she would never cause me pain if she could help it, she wanted to save me, to send me home. I was angry, but not at her, instead it was the capital that was doing this to me, trying to turn me against her. I resisted as long as I could._

_Next they injected me with something and all these memories come flooding back to me. I realize that Katniss has always intended to escape and leave me behind. She wanted to kill me and was stopped only because our allies were always around. She has been trying to get rid of me all along, her feelings for me were fake and she uses me for her gain only. The more injections that I get the clearer my goal is…kill her before she can kill me. I am full of hate for her, and the things she's done to me. _

The months that I spent imprisoned at the Capital are a blur, I remember only a snippet here and there. I came close to death over and over again, but they would never let me die. Death would have been a relief, and they were not interested in giving me any relief. I could hear Johanna screaming in a room near me, but there was nothing I could do. I had no idea where Katniss was or what had happened to her, the process of convincing me to hate her was the worst part of the ordeal.

But I saw everything in a different light, everything that had happened between us was now called into question. Every memory I had of her, it was wrong somehow, twisted around. Some of the memories were hard for me to believe, but there they were, clear in my mind, the memories were sharp and crisp. It got to the point where thinking of her or seeing a picture of her made me burn with rage and the urge to end her. I feel so much guilt over feeling this way, it's foolish of course, none of it was my fault, but I can't help but think that if I was stronger I could have fought it, fought it for longer at least.

_The crowd is silent as Katniss stands in front of Snow with her bow, raised and strung, ready to go. Things move in slow motion and I hear her pull back on the bow and a whoosh as she releases the arrow. There are a few seconds of stunned stillness before chaos breaks out. Coin is slumped over in her seat on the balcony and her aids run to her side but it is clearly too late. Guards rush towards Katniss as she stands perfectly still, bow down, clearly stunned. The only noise is the sickening sound of Snow laughing and choking on his blood._

_I am on my feet and running towards her before I know what is happening. Katniss is reaching her head around to her shoulder and I remember. Her uniform has a nightlock tablet in a hidden pocket and I realize she intends to swallow it. I fling myself at her, desperately trying to block her and she sinks her teeth into my hand. Pain shoots up my arm but I don't let go, instead ripping the pocket and spilling the pill. She gives me a pleading look as she is dragged away, she screams for me and for Gale, but there is nothing we can do to help her. A second later she is gone and the scene in the room is one of utter confusion._

I should have seen it coming, Katniss voting for one last Game for the children of the Capital was so uncharacteristic of her, and something else had to be going on. But I was blind to the signs, giddy to finally be getting my real memories back. I thought my dream was coming true, I was going to get to be with Katniss, happy and out of the public view. We were going to be able to have a normal life hopefully together.

I laugh at myself now for ever having these thoughts. I love her more than anything; I would give my life a thousand times to save hers. But there are days when I want to destroy her for all the things she's done to me, for how she manipulated me and lied through her teeth. I don't know which version of my dreams, feeling and memories are real. I want Katniss, I need her, I need her to tell me what is real, what is not real, I can't trust the things they tell me here.

_Its early afternoon and I am trying again to get through to Katniss. I am convinced that if I sit here long enough, say the right to her…anything she will snap out of it. When it was first apparent that she wasn't speaking to anyone the doctors thought the presence of someone she really cared about would stir her. They assumed that I would fit the fit, I thought so as well…but I got nothing from her. _

"_Katniss, Katniss…Can you talk to me? Everything is going to be OK. As soon as you're feeling better we can go home, back to 12 or wherever you want." I plead with her. She never even stirs, her eyes are dark and empty, sunken into her sockets and void of life. This is the most upsetting thing; her eyes are so express, so beautiful and full of life. There is a spark in her eyes, a sort of spirit that was always there. It is gone, extinguished by the war._

_I sit by her in silence holding her hand, wondering if she will respond. She doesn't move her hand when I reach out to grasp it but she also doesn't give me any sign she even realize I am touching her. She doesn't return my squeeze at all, her hand is cold and still, just as lifeless as her eyes. _

"_Please just look at me, turn your head, move your eyes, squeeze my hand… anything Katniss, just give me anything. Let me know you're in there, it's me Peeta. I love you so much, please just come back to me and fight." I begged her but she never gives me anything, no sign that she even hears me at all. I want so much for her to snap out of it and tell me she loves me too, but it never happens._

_I get so angry with her, she can't even give me a single sign that she is going to be OK, that she is not already dead on the inside. Why can't she just let her gaze fall on me instead of the wall, give me a small smile, hold my hand back. I decide she's a selfish bitch and the memories of all the bad things she's done to me come back. I seethe about her non-response to me and she doesn't give a shit._

"_You selfish little bitch. I loved you no matter what, but all along you've been out to get me, to kill me slowly. You started with my heart, you played me to save yourself, whored yourself out for the sponsors." I yell as I become more and more upset, a flood of memories coming back to me "And now, you can't even look at me. You're pathetic, you pretend to be someone who is tough, but you just crumple with bad news. You're weak and sad." I rant on and on until the doctor's come to take me away._

This happened time and time again, each time my outburst got worse and worse. Eventually I am unable to see the difference between my Capital made and my real memories. I agreed to come here because I know that this is where I belong. I remember how much I love Katniss underneath anything, I love her so much I can't be out there with her. I want to see her, to touch her but I can't now, I need her to be able to talk to me, to give me a hug. It is depressing to know that I am not strong enough to face her at the worse, I feel a lot of shame.

After the shame I get angry again, why does she always do this to me? She is the one who screws up, refuses to look to or talk to me, and here I am feeling like crap. She is manipulating me still, even here in this place she has control over my mind in some way. And then I think about all the ways she has hurt me, killing my loved ones and finally coming after me. All the memories mix now and its impossible to tell what is real and what is fake.

Sometimes I walk up and down the long hallway in silence, inside I am thinking about a way to get out of this place. Escape doesn't seem like a good idea, this place is pretty secure and where would I go? I have no one left and an escaped mental patient usually draws a lot of attention. The lure of a permanent sleep, with no dreams is tempting, it seemed like the easy way, its irrational but I think of Katniss hearing of the suicide and falling apart. I worry it will hurt her and anyone else left who cares about me. I pace and I dream about what my life could have been, if only she wanted me, if she would just look at me. It seems impossible for that to happen now, I cycle through the full range of emotions, never really settling on acceptance.

I don't have many visitors but Haymitch comes regularly. I don't know what days, weeks, or months are like but he comes on what seems to be a steady schedule. I like to tell him my memories and when he can he tells me whether they are real or not. It's a comforting game for me, but what I really want to know about is Katniss. It's the one thing that we never talk about, the doctors have forbidden him from discussing her with me.

"Hay, where is she now? Did she ever get better?"

"You know I cant tell you about that…just worry about yourself for right now."

"Is it really over with us? Does she ever ask about me?"

His eyes are sad and he doesn't make eye contact with me, "So… tell me about what you remember after the Games, when you first came home?"

"Don't change the subject!" I bellow and he backs away from me slightly, I know the doctors are poised just beyond the door if I start to lose it. "why won't anyone tell me?" I cry out.

He shakes his head and glances at the bank of mirrors in the room, "I wish…. I wish this was different for you. You… you don't deserve this, to live this way."

I am confused, "Something put me here… I wasn't strong enough"

"No… No!" he glances up at me quickly "That's never been it… no one could…it was too much, for anyone, not just for you. But you deserved a good life after all of this…I thought you'd have it. Maybe one day you can have it."

"That's impossible Hay, I am gone, I am not coming out of here." I chuckle sadly, "I've always held onto some hope, that's what got me into half of this mess. I am done, I know I have no chance, no hope. Its OK" but it isn't OK and I put my head in my hands and breathe a heavy sigh.

He stands, placing a hand on my shoulder; "We'll see" he says and turns to leave.

I know I will never leave this place, never live in my old town District, and never with Katniss. They tell me that when I have made progress then maybe I can see her, or at least here about her now, but I never make any. I am stuck in an endless cycle, once I start thinking of her I feel sadness, regret, shame and guilt. I want to have her with me in the worst way. Then I realize I will never have the chance, I blame her and I remember all the horrendous things she's done and I hate her and feel an urge to make her dead. I don't know what will break me of this, I relive the big moments over and over, every time different, more heart breaking and violent each time.


	8. Chapter 8

I don't know what he's going to say but panic sets in instantly. "Don't say anything!" I bury my face in his chest, my heart pounding all of a sudden. Whatever he is going to say I am not sure I want to hear it. I can't believe what I blurted out; looking up at him seems too embarrassing. I can feel my cheeks burning red. He doesn't finish his sentence but I can feel him shift slightly me.

"You don't even know I was about it say!" his tone is light and he sounds amused rather than annoyed

I have no idea why I started this but my embarrassed keeps growing. "I know!"

"OK – What then?" he sounds smug, sure I don't know what he meant to say, but there's no way I can ever say aloud what I think was about to come next out of his mouth.

"It doesn't matter… let's just drop it, ok?" I try to make my tone annoyed but I know he can hear my heartbeat in my chest and see my face blazing red.

"Aw come on… what do you think was going to come next?" he wraps both of his arms around me, the motion is comforting and I relax my face, pressing less tightly into his chest.

"Well…"I take a deep breath "You were going to tell me… that you didn't…you know" the rest of the sentences catches in my throat.

I look up at him and his face is full of confusion, "That I don't what?"

"Don't make me say it."

"What is it?" he asks emphasizing the 'it'.

"Come on… we were talking I had just told you that I…" I trail off shooting him a meaningful look

"Oh…" he seems surprises and he shuts his mouth for a long moment considering what I had said. "Oh! Are you serious? You think I was about to tell you that I didn't love you?" his mouth is gaping open as he stares at me, I stare back at him in silence and he begins to laugh slowly.

"What's funny?" I demand, getting annoyed at his laughter.

"Sorry Katniss." He composes himself and stops laughing "I just figured you had to be kidding."

I shake my head

"It's just that you thinking that I" he points to himself "could not be in love with you" he points to me to emphasize his point. "Of course I love you! I've always loved you. Always." He wraps his arms tightly around my shoulders pressing me to his chest tighter. "I have been wishing, hoping, dreaming that one day you could maybe love me back. And you think you do… that's enough for me Katniss. This…" he gestures to the both of us "is enough for me. Anything where I get to be with you at least sometimes is enough." He leans his forehead against mine "But if you could love me back…well I'd die a happy man right now."

I have nothing to say to this, "Gale…" there is no way I can express myself in the same way as him, nothing I can say that is as honest and sweet at what he's just said. "I just never thought…" I know what I want to say but I can't think of a way to get it out "After all this…I don't know how you could or how I could."

I am doing a poor job of making myself understand but Gale seems to understand, "I know Katniss…We've been through so much, some really horrible things." I try to think of the things he's talking about, but there are too many.

"Yes, after all that how can we…" I don't know how to finish the sentence.

"Live? Feel? Care? Hurt? Love?" Gale breaks in "How can we even move on? I know, it seems impossible sometimes, but if we don't then what?" he looks down at me as if waiting for an answer.

"We could slowly drink ourselves to death like Hay." The idea has come to be before; the alcohol may dull the ever present pain inside.

"Or we could learn from Johanna, we could just be completely dead on the inside, unable to ever show emotion for anyone ever." He says and his tone turns serious. "I don't want to be like that, I hope you won't be either."

"Well…really she is protecting herself…every person she has ever cared about or love has been taken from her. The Capitol killed her parents, sibling, cousins and aunts, just about everyone, even her friends. She was sold and used" I shudder thinking about it, "If I had all that happen to me I would never get close to anyone again, how could I?" the words tumble out of my mouth but it's true, the things she'd lived through I can't even imagine.

"Well it's a good thing that you have so many people who love you." His face turns sad, "There are a lot of people gone, too many people but we still have so many still with us." he brushes the hair out of my eye and kisses the top of my head

"Still…" it's true that I had a lot of people left, but the most important person was gone. "How could I ever live without her?" I let out a sob before I can gain control of myself, thoughts of Prim hit me hard. "I never wanted to live my life without her, she was supposed to be here. All this was for her and it was all for nothing, in the end the result was the same." I sigh but the tears don't come and I am surprised.

"You did everything you could for her, her and your mother. You kept them safe for as long as you could, but…neither of us could forever." He bites his lip, deepening his breathing to calm himself "I promised you I would take care of her, and I couldn't. I think of her every day."

The thought is comforting to me, that he was thinking of her too, she was still with us in a way as long as she was in our thoughts. "So what happens now?"

"Move forward I hope." He smiles and lifts my chin, he bends his head down and kisses my lips. After a moment he pulls back slightly, still touching my lips with his lightly. "and I will love you like I always have.

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I dig through my closet for a pair of pajamas while Gale is in the shower and I am so relieved that I had asked him to stay. Seeing mother again has really stirred up a lot of memories and I know that the nightmares would come hard and fast tonight. Sleeping with Peeta at night had always kept the worst of them at bay, and while I have never spent a night with Gale I am certain that it will be better with him here as well. I walk over to sit on the large bed and get under the covers.

Gale comes back to the room and grins when he sees me. "So… am I just here to keep the nightmares away?" he seems to know exactly what I am thinking and I blush and think about it for a moment.

"Well of course." I smirk at him, knowing what he wants to hear.

"Aw…I was hoping there might be something else…" he winks and sits on the bed next to me.

"Well… it would be nice to…have you here, next to me… warm and soft… you know." I stammer, how can I articulate how good the thought of him against me, wrapping me up securely in his arms is?

He throws the blanket over himself and slides down the bed so he laying down next to me, "Do you mean like this?" he asks.

"Closer" I say quietly, but loud enough for him to he as he scoots closer to me and lays a hand by my shoulder.

"This better?"

I shake my head "No… closer."

He props me up slightly and wraps an arm around my shoulder turning me on my side so I can lay my head across his chest. "How about now?"

I am barely audible as I whisper "Closer…" and I wrap my arm around his stomach and snuggle closer into his chest. I let out a long breath as the tension melts away.

"Good night Katniss" he kisses the top of my head. I drift off quickly, his heart beat lulls me to sleep "I love you" I think I hear him say, but I am not sure if it's part of a dream or not. "I love you too I say" but I don't know if I am actually talking or inside my dream world.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

_I've just come in from the forest, and mom is waiting as she always is with the bath. I get a scrubbing like I never have when I get in, I need to be as presentable as possible. She let me wear something beautiful from her past life and brushes and braids my hair. I resent doing this every year, why should I have to dress up and go to extra trouble just to present myself for possible slaughter? It makes no sense to me, but every year it's the same. I resent this so much, the fear and anxiety of being picked, or Gale being picked, it is too much._

_But this year is different, this s the first year Prim will stand in the pens and face possible death in the Games and she is all nerves. Her nervous energy makes me jittery and I feel awful leading her to her spot in the crowd._

"_Katniss, good luck!" she wraps her wiry arms around my waist and presses her face against me. _

"_Don't worry, we'll both be fine, I'll see you in a little while." I try to give her a smile but she knows how anxious I am._

_I hear her name called and my face goes numb, I find her in the crowd and she is as pale as a sheet, mouth agape and shaking. I need to save her, I need her to have a life, she can't go to the Games… she's only twelve. I don't realize I am doing it but I rush to the stage in front of her, I push her into Gale's arms as I scramble onto the stage. I want to vomit, I am shaking inside at the thought of my sweet sister being sent to the arena. I don't care what happens to me, but the thought of anything happening to her is too heart wrenching to deal with._

_I look back out at the crowd and find her; she looks so scared and so small. Everything around her changes we're in 13 and I am about to ship off to the final mission in a day or two. Prim and mom are safe here, underground as far as humans should go and I am about to hopefully finish this horrible war. I've only ever wanted Prim to be safe, to grow up and have a happy life, and it's happening right now. Once we're done with this she can go on to get the rest of her education, a job and start her own family, without worrying about going to the games or having her children sent there. _

"_Do you really have to go?" she worries too much about me, but the worry is not very unfounded._

"_Yes… I'm sorry, but this might be it, no more after this last trip." I try to calm her fears._

"_But it's so dangerous. I wish you'd stay here with me and mom, safe inside this place."  
>she gives me a warm look "You've been through so much…" she shakes her head slightly, "I just don't want to lose you now, after everything." She looks down at her feet.<em>

_I pick her chin up with a finger, "I promise you, I will do everything in my power to make it back here. We're going to be together again, sometime very soon, and after we are we wont need to be separated again. This will be over and we can start our lives." I will always try my best to get back to her, to be able to take care of her and make sure she is safe._

"_I know you will Katniss, I know you will." She answers me softly and casts her eyes towards mine._

_I watch as the grouping of Capitol children is bombed, the noise is horrible, but the sound of the screaming and crying that starts right afterwards is infinitely worse. I watch in horror as she runs towards the crowd and a horrible realization comes over me. Gale and Beetee's bomb…this isn't the worse of it, a second blast is going to follow, much more deadly than the first. I need to stop her from running into our trap but the sound that comes out of my mouth is more of a grunt. She looks at me and we make eye contact the moment before the second blast goes off. Suddenly all I can see and feel is fire, searing and hot and she fades into the flames as black takes over._

I wake up screaming and it takes me over a minute to realize that she isn't getting set aflame in front of me. Gale is sitting up in the bed holding me tightly and feeling myself connected to him helps to snap me back to reality.

"Prim?" he asks me

I nod, "She just…she was swallowed by the fire. I tried so hard to keep her alive, and it was all….she is gone…" I sob the last word out as tears stream down my face.

Gale wraps me in his arms and I cry into his shirt. He doesn't move and the feeling of him, solid as a rock, next to me soothes me and my tears slow eventually.

"You're here with me now. You did everything you could…you did more than everything."

"If I close my eyes will she come back? Back in flames?" I pull back from him slightly.

"I can't promise she won't."

"I know"

"But I can promise that I am going to be here if she does." He squeezes me slightly. "And if she doesn't."

He lowers me back down to the bed and wraps me in himself and the blanket. "I will be right here, everything is going to be ok, I promise."

I can feel his heart beating and the steady rhythm makes me sleepy again. "Mmmhmmm…."

_Mom hasn't left her bed in days and I am standing by her side wondering what to do. Prim is outside sitting on the steps and I can practically hear her stomach grumbling from here. Mom knows how hungry Prim is, how can she not get herself up and do something. She won't say a word to me and I need to give up on reviving her for now. If I can't do something quickly we will starve, and I can't let that happen to Prim even if Mom refuses to do anything._

"_Mom, what are we going to do? There's nothing left in the house, Prim hasn't eaten all day" I try to appeal to her maternal instinct but she just stares blankly at the wall, there is no indication she's even heard me._

"_Mom please…please we need to do something." I try pleading with her, I know she must be aware of the problems we are having, why would she chose to just keep ignoring them? She doesn't even flinch, the thought of her youngest daughter, already so thin, starving._

_Desperation turns to anger in the pit of my stomach, I am disgusted that this woman would just sit by and let this happen to her family. She should be stepping up into our father's place, supporting us in some way, if she could only try it would mean that she cared. But she didn't care at all, if she did she wouldn't be acting this way. She wouldn't be so selfish and would think of her children rather than herself all the time._

_We are all sad, losing Dad is not easy on me, and it certainly isn't easy on Prim…but we need to function, we need to do the things that need to be done to make sure life continues. She should be doing those things, supporting us, and telling us it will be OK. Instead here I am trying to give my Mom the will to live again, comforting Prim and trying to figure out a way to keep food in our stomachs. I'm twelve years old and life has never been easy in the Seam, hunger happens here all of the time, and we've never had a lot, but this is almost more than I can bare. _

_In front of me Mom transforms from the woman in the bed sobbing and staring silently at the wall to the woman who got me ready for the reaping before my Games. Prim sees her as a parental figure and they are close and I am happy that she can still have this, her innocence was preserved and it's a gift to me. Unfortunately I don't see her in the same way as I did before. She is my mother of course but it's difficult to see her as much of a parent, it is her inaction that forced to feed the family myself. Sometimes I wish that we have what she and Prim have, but it seems impossible._

"_OK Katniss, in the tub we need to get moving." Mom seems way too cheery for the day, it seems ridiculous that all other days I am trusted to wash myself but this one day I have to let her play mom to me._

"_Wouldn't want a speck of dirt on me for the big day, right?" After my talk with Gale in the woods I am feeling bitter about the Capitol, not at all interested in dressing up like a show animal to them._

"_Oh Katniss, I want my family looking nice, what's wrong with that?" She must see my point but she tries to brush it off and hurry the process along. Inside she must be nervous about one of us being sent, it was always a possibility._

"_OK Mom" I sigh but let her scrub me to her standards and dress me up. _

_During visiting time she is trying to hold it together, for Prim but it's enough. I know its unlikely I will ever see her again, and I am glad it's not Prim going. There is no way Mom could ever make it through if Prim died as well._

"_Katniss…" she approaches me slowly putting her arms me and Prim, who was already wrapped around my waist._

"_She's coming back!" Prim exclaims, "She has to come back." She looks up at me "Promise me, you're coming back you have to…" she pleads with her eyes. _

_Mom says nothing, staring at the two of us as if in shock, "I can't Prim…you know I can't. I promise I will try my absolute best to come back to you." I press her closer to me "my very best."_

_Prim nods, and mom lets out a choked sound, "Katniss, you're….we… I love you so much." And I hug her tightly._

_When I come back from the Games it's difficult for me to know how to act in front of her, it's impossible to go back to any semblance of a parent-child relationship. I don't want to listen to her telling me when I should be home when I spent weeks alone in a forest being hunted by other children. _

"_Katniss… you really need to be eating more." Mom scolds me constantly but I just don't have much of appetite in me. "You really lost a lot of weight, we need to fatten you up." She said lightly, laughing as if she'd made a joke. _

_I shrug and turn around, walking back upstairs to my bedroom where I could blacken the curtains and sleep for as long as I wanted. She doesn't come up after me at all, she lets me sleep as long as I want. I have no idea whether she's actually worried about me, but it doesn't translate into any action on her part._

"_Oh god, no!" she exclaims as soon as we see the news about the Quarter Quell, she stares at the screen in horror but says nothing further, I can see she is willing herself not to cry. This time I am not coming back and she knows that, I am not sure it matters as much this time, to her I am already partially gone._

_But I didn't die, I am laying in the hospital bed in 13 and I don't care about anything happening around me. Prim is gone…Prim who I did all of this for, she isn't here, There isn't anything left to say to anyone and Moms sees herself in my reaction. I lay there and stare at the wall as she tries to rouse me to life. _

'_Katniss, please…you're strong you can do this." She is always so sweet and soothing, but it's not enough.'_

_Eventually she stops coming and I am alone, I have given up, I have turned into her…done what I most hated her for…checking out of life. She took the easy way out and I was following her, and I loathe myself for it._

_I can see Prim in my mother's face and myself in her actions. Again, she's left me, but this time Prim is gone so it doesn't matter. I should be gone too._

I bold awake in bed, this time managing not to wake Gale. My life with mother flashed across my dreams and I know why I am so angry with her. It's because I am angry with myself. It's because I gave up in the same way she had when my father died. The difference of course is that she is an adult, and technically I am still a child.

I snuggle closer to Gale in an effort to comfort myself, he subconsciously shifts to allow me closer to him and I take my chance. I'm not sure I look forward to this visit, facing all the weakness in her and myself that I despise so much, but for now I am here, in bed and warmed by his body and that is enough. I close my eyes and drift back off.


	9. Chapter 9

**Ya'll – I'm so sorry that this is so long in the making but I stepped into the dark side. I finally gave in to Amazon's constant harassment and began reading Twilight. I know I shouldn't but I can't put it down and am now on book 2 (how could she leave book 1 right there?) so I am having a difficult time writing HG fiction with all this Twilight crap swirling around in my head. I am not proud to own up to it… but I thought you deserved the truth.**

For the first time in what feels like years I sleep sounding, no nightmares or awakening in the night. Gale is next to me and his breath is so steady I know he is still asleep. I take this opportunity to sit and watch him as I prop myself up on an elbow. He's so peaceful in his sleep, his chest rises and falls rhythmically and his face is so soft, with half of a smile on his lips. I reach out and trace his strong jaw line with my fingers and breathe in his musky scent before settling my head back down on his chest.

I close my eyes and relax against him and I can hear a familiar jingling at my door. "Damnit!" I exclaim and Gale's eyes pop open. "Marna…. How could I forget?" I hit palm against my forehead and pop out of bed.

Gale is rubbing the sleep from his eyes and looks confused "What's the matter Katniss?" his voice is perplexed and he swings his legs to the sit so that he is sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Marna, the nurse who comes to check on me each day…she's here…" I look at him pointedly

He seems to get it and hops out of the bed, "Oh, she's here right now?" he asks as he searched the floor for his shoes.

We're interrupted by a knock on the door. "Morning Katniss! I am going to get breakfast ready, are you up?"

I cringe at the awkward situation that is going to play out shortly before answering, "Yes I'm up… will be out in a minute." I turn to Gale, "Well…what do we do?"

Gale smirks, obviously finding some amusement in my discomfort, "What can we do? Go out there and have some breakfast, then I'll head to work. It's not like you're doing anything wrong, we aren't doing anything wrong at all."

I sigh and grab some new clothes before running to the bathroom to face my face and change. Once I get back out to the room Gale and I take the plunge and go out to the living area.

Marna looks up from a skillet in the kitchen and raises her brow when she sees that I am not alone. "Morning to the two of you." She smiles as she emphasizes the word 'two'. "Will your friend be joining up for breakfast Katniss?"

"Ummm yes, yes he will…thank you." I manage to say before catching Gale's eye and realizing that I should introduce him. "Marna…this is my um friend Gale…Gale this is Marna, she comes to see me every day from the hospital." I can feel my face flush as a grin plays on Marna's lips.

"It's good to meet you Gale." She gives him one of her warm smile before turning back to me, "I am so happy to see you having visitors, this is a good sign... you're really starting to come around!."

I don't have anything to day and we sit down to eat in silence. Gale finishes his plate and takes it to the sink because either Marna or I are finished.

"Ok…time for work" he lets out a small groan. "Pick up and we'll go to the train station together?" he asks.

I quickly nod, "Yes… please do." I bite my lip thinking of my mother's imminent arrival.

He smiles at me and walks over to pat my shoulder, "This is going to be just fine Katniss…"

I shrug and look up at him, I know I look nervous but I can't do much to change that, he knows me too well.

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The sun is shining and the temperature is warm but I feel chilled standing at the station waiting for my mother. I am more nervous than I had expected to be and I pace back and forth on the platform while Gale observes me silently. I should feel happy to be seeing my mother after so long but instead I feel anger, resentment and sadness. She left me here in the Capitol, sick and alone. How can she just pretend to be a caring mother now? Why do I see so much of my own weaknesses in hers?

My thoughts are interrupted by a loud whistle, it signals the train's arrival and I walk back over to Gale to wait. He looks down at me and smiles.

"Ready?" he asks in a jovial tone.

I shake my head rigorously. "No, but I don't think I ever will be, so I might as well get this out of the way." The guilt hits me hard then, I should be looking forward to seeing her again, but instead I am anxious and hoping it goes by quickly.

He strokes my arm lightly, "I'll be here with you for however long you want."

The scowl on my face melts slightly, "Gale…." I don't know what to say but I grab his hand and give him a squeeze, he seems to know what I mean without me saying anything.

The train is pulling in and he moves closer to the edge of the platform, dragging me with him and we watch for her to step off the train. This is the last stop in the line and a lot of people are getting off, the longer I wait the more anxious I can feel myself getting. Gale must notice because he moves a hand to the small of my back and rubs it slowly from side to side trying to soothe me.

Finally, I can see her blond hair and bright smile as she waits to go down the stairs. She is looking around, trying to spot me but I make no move to approach the train and hold perfectly still. Gale raises an arm and waves, catching her attention and once she is on the ground she walks straight over to us.

"Katniss….Gale…" she is sniffling and I know her tears must not be too far away. "It's been too long…I am so happy to be here and visiting with you." Her eyes drift over to me and she bites her lip, trying to keep her tears back.

"Mom…" I don't know what to say but I decide to open my arms to her "good to see you" I say as we hug. I am not a hugger myself but I can tell that she didn't know whether to hug me or not and despite my annoyance with her I don't need to cause her more stress.

She visible softened at my show of affection toward her and the crease lines on her forehead smoothed out slightly. If Prim has ever had the chance to grow up I think she would have looked much like my mother does now. The thought makes me sad, Prim will never have that chance, and we will never know what she would have been like.

Gale breaks the silence for me, "Well… should we head out?" he suggests, gesturing towards the parking lot where a car is waiting to drive us to my apartment.

Mom nods eagerly and we both follow him silently out to the waiting car.

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Then awkwardness is still there and I sit across from her quietly as Gale fixes us dinner in the kitchen, his attempt at giving us some space and time to talk. I have no idea what to say to her, I don't want to upset her but all the questions running through my mind are going to put her on the defensive, the answers won't satisfy me anyhow, so there seems to be no point.

"I like this place" Mom gestures around the apartment, "How long will you be here?"

I shrugs, "I'm not sure…eventually they will decide I can live on my own, with no supervision, and further from the hospital, I hope it's soon." It's the first time I have thought about it, of course I wouldn't stay here forever.

She makes small talk for a few minutes before she gets to the harder questions, "Have you been to see Peeta yet?" she tries to catch my eye but I stare down at the table.

"No" I answer and do not elaborate, I don't want to think about him, and I definitely don't want to talk to my mother about him.

"Do you think you're going to?" she asks looking at me meaningfully, obvious thinking that I should.

"I don't know… what would the point be?" and I really don't know. Honestly I have not given much thought to his current state, his letters remain unopened on my end table, and I am doing my best to block thoughts of him from my mind.

She looks surprised at my answer, "What would be the point? Katniss…" her voice cracks and I look up slowly, she is getting emotional and I frantically try to think of a way to stop her. "He… he meant so much to you…you mean so much to him. He's not well, but I know he asks for you every day. Won't you give him that? Just a visit?" he pleads with her eyes.

I take a deep breath, "I know Mom…I just don't know if I can handle seeing him in the state he's in now…maybe its best he not see me, maybe it will help me get over me faster…I don't know." I am babbling and my explanation doesn't sound convincing, even to me.

"Well…think about it at least, I know how much seeing you would mean to him…and I know it's hard to face." She closes her mouth and inhales deeply through her nose.

"And Gale?" she gestures towards the kitchen, where sounds of dinner preparations carry over to the living room.

I am not sure what her question is so I give her a puzzled look.

"Are you two….together now?" she raises a brow at me.

"Well…I'm not sure. He's here a lot, and we're… well we're something." This elicits a laugh from her and the mood eases.

"He loves you so much you know. Every day he stood by and watched you, he worried himself sick about you." She paused and lowered her voice slightly, "I hope you know what you have in him."

She didn't go on but I know what she meant, at times I don't deserve his devotion. "I know Mom." I sigh, not needing to be reminded of my time being so sick.

"Are you still angry with him?" she asks.

I am surprised by her question and sit for a full minute in thought before answering her. "For a long time, yes…I thought that forgiving him would dishonor her memory." I paused to take a deep breath, talking about her was difficult for me and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. "I never thought I'd be able to look him in the eye again, but when I did I saw the same sorrow I feel on his face. He loves her like his own sister…I know that. She wouldn't have wanted me to keep pushing him away." I managed to make it through without the tears escaping my eyes.

Mom nods "No…she would never have wanted that." She sounds like her mind is far away as she thinks about Prim. "She was such a forgiving person, always saw the best in everyone…I just…I still find it hard to know I won't see her again." Tears has begun to stream down my face and she reached her arm towards mine and took my hand.

I look away from her and towards the kitchen, desperate not to break down and cry but finding it difficult as the breath catches in my throat. "I hate having to say 'was'" I look back up at my mother and wait.

"I had to leave" she says abruptly and her tears pick up speed. "I don't know if you'll ever forgive me but I couldn't stay here, the streets are tainted with her blood, I can still here voice calling me on the street corners." She squeezes my hand hard.

"You left me…" the words come out without me even thinking and this starts a new wave of tears from her.

She shakes her head, "I never left you Katniss, I was with you in here." She points to the place on chest where her heart would be.

Anger flashes in front of my eyes as I take a few breaths to calm myself down, "Let's not get into this Mother." I say through clenched teeth.

She looks surprised at my anger and presses further, "I just couldn't face it here Katniss, you don't understand…she was…she was everything to me."

"It's what you do Mom…it's what you did when Dad died and now, with Prim…you run away, this time physically." The look on her face tells me I've hurt her but I can't stop. "She was everything to me too…but you had two daughters…leaving one to go grieve the other… that makes me what to you…nothing?" I spat out the last part and push sharply back from the table to stand.

The noise catches Gale's attention and he come out of the kitchen to investigate.

"Everything OK in here?" he doesn't look hopeful that it is as he eyes my angry posture and expression and my mother's tears.

"No" I cross my arms in front of my chest, fear of making my mother sad or depressed having vanished by now. "It's not…I always knew she loved Prim the most, who wouldn't, but I found out how much more!" I twisted her words and she winced in pain but it felt impossible to stop. The tears had escaped my eyes and they stream down my face as Gale stares slack jawed at me.

"Katniss….honey…" my mom stands and comes towards me but I back away and she stops. "I would never say that, I don't mean that, I hope you know." Her voice breaks "I know I am weak" she looks at the ground. "I'm not proud of the way I was after he died…if I could have stayed here I would have…I had to leave. You never really needed me…you're too strong." She sits back down and puts her face in her hands.

Gale stands between the two of us, unsure what to do and I can feel my anger slipping away. "Too strong?" how can someone be too strong?

"You had to be at first, the first year or two after the mining accident; we would have starved without you…you were more a parent than me." She stops to wipe the tears from her eyes. "I never got to go back to being you mom after that...how could we go back?" she shakes her head sadly, "I was weak and you stepped up to be strong….but you never stopped, you are strong even when you don't need to be."

I had nothing to say to this and I just stared at her until she started to talk again, "Prim was so young, she grew up as a child…she didn't have to do what you did…I wish you didn't either…I hate myself for the things I forced you to do." She hangs her head sobs wracking her body, "I wish every day that I could have stepped up and been strong for my girls….instead I was weak….I robbed you of your childhood."

I feel deflated, all my anger at her dissipated, she not only understands, but agrees, I have nothing to counter that. I walk slowly back over to the table as Gale eyes me suspiciously. "I know Mom" my voice is barely above a whisper. "You were closer with Prim because she let you be." I sat back down and let out a deep breath.

"So now what?" she asks seriously. "Where does that leave you and me?" the question hangs in the air waiting to be answered.

"I don't know…" I sigh "I just don't know."

"I love you so much Katniss."

"I love you too Mom."

"I can't live here anymore though…. Unless you need me to be here with you, if you ever need me, I will be there is a moment."

I nod slowly, knowing that I don't need her, "Thanks Mom…. But I think I am good."

"So visits and phone calls then?"

I nod, "I think so..."

"I guess we've never had the traditional mother-daughter relationship, huh?" the edge of her mouth curled up into a slight smile.

I chuckle lightly…"No…I guess not…but it's OK." And I mean it… she'll never mother me because I would never have it…but we could have something. 


	10. Chapter 10

Almost two month have flown by since I was released from the hospital and I have settled into a routine with Gale, not giving much thought to what I will do when I am free. But today I have a meeting at the hospital and I feel like they may go ahead and clear me to have freedom again. All of my recent tests have been good and the rest of my therapies have dwindled to almost nothing. There was no other reason to keep me here, to send someone to look after me each morning, or to protect me from the greater world. The idea is both thrilling and terrifying, but mostly I feel relief.

I get myself ready for the day by throwing on a shirt and a pair of jeans, my shoes are by the door and I slip then on when I am ready to leave. The walk to the hospital is quick and so familiar to me I wonder how it will feel never to have to make it again. I feel almost like I am being released from prison, though really I should be more grateful for the place they provided me with and the friendly nurse that came to see me each day. It is just hard not to think of true freedom again, actually more freedom than I have ever had before thanks to the new government.

In a moment I am at the hospital and in the elevator waiting to reach my floor. When the doors open I rush out and spy my doctor, Dr. Thweatt standing next to the reception desk. When he sees me a genuine smile spreads over his face and he waves me over to him.

"Katniss! How good to see you today! Go ahead and follow me to my office, we'll talk there." He gestures for me to follow him and I oblige walking down the hallway slightly behind him until we reach his door. He hold the door for me and sweeps his hand towards the chairs in front of the large wooden desk. "Have a seat, make yourself comfortable…"

I sit down, it's not possible for me to ever truly be comfortable at the hospital but this day was easier because I knew that there would be no more tests, or shots, or therapies. I smiled slightly as I waited for the doctor to settle into his seat. "So… I am sure you know why we're meeting today." He pauses for my response.

I nod my head, "Yes…my release…"

He chuckled lightly "You make it sound like a prison sentence. Is it really all that bad?"

I feel a little bad, I'd been detained before, right after I shot Coin and this was nothing like that, "No…I'm sorry it really wasn't so bad…it was probably better than I deserved." I looked down at my hands and knew this was true, they could have kept me in a hospital room, that would have felt like prison to me.

He didn't seem to take much offense luckily as his easy smile returned. "OK, good to hear. Well as you know you've been doing so well and there is no more medical reason to keep you so close by." He let this sink in as he sat back and observed me.

"No more hospitals?" I grinned, imagining never having to set foot in the place again.

He hold his palms out towards me and makes a motion for me to slow down, "Well, we'll need to see you once in awhile of course, maybe every four to six months. But there is no reason for you to stay so close by. You can be seen at any hospital for a checkup."

This made sense to me but I was slightly disappointed anyhow, the thought of being able to disappear and never set foot in the Capitol again. "Any hospital? Like the one in District 12?" having to come back for a checkup could be made better if I didn't have to come back here.

"Yes…you can go back to 12 and see the doctor's there. We just want to make sure things are going well with you, no need for anything extensive. Or let's hope there won't be." He smiles again.

"So I can go now if I want?" I am already envisioning myself in the woods, still as I wait for a rabbit to come closer to me, my bow strung in my arms.

"Well, whenever you're ready. We're happy to have you stay in the apartment while you make your plans." He can see the excitement on my face and I can tell it makes him happy.

"What's to get ready? I hardly have anything at all. I want to go home; I've wanted to go home for so long I can hardly believe it will really happen." I think about the few changes of clothes I have, the letters I've accumulated, there really isn't much else.

"Well, there's getting you a train ticket, and all that good logistical stuff. Marna will help you. She won't be by each morning any longer but, you know how to reach her. When you're ready to go she will arrange your transportation." He stands from behind his desk and comes around towards me.

I stand beside him and he extends his hand to me and we shake. "Thank you for everything." My thanks feel inadequate but I don't know what else I could say. "Really, thank you." I look into his eyes and find them warm and friendly.

"A pleasure. As I always say, I hope we do not meet again." He laughs lightly at his own joke. "But really, treating a national hero has been great, so glad to see you back to yourself."

I walk out of his office and wonder if I am really back to my old self. I take the elevator down to the lobby and start the short walk back to the apartment. No I don't think I am back to the way I was before the war and the Games. How could I be? I had seen and done way to much. The days when my biggest worry was catching enough game to feed my family are behind me. I didn't even really have a family anymore, and now I know how it feels to kill a person, not just an animal. No, I wasn't my old self, that girl doesn't exist anymore, she was gone the moment Prim's name was pulled for the Games.

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I am waiting for Gale to come over after work and I am so anxious, I have an idea of why but I feel silly even thinking it. I worry that I tell Gale that I am free to go and plan to go back to 12 that he will want to stay here in the Capitol. He may want me to stay here with him but worse he may let me go home, without him. I want to go home and I want him to come home with me but I have dodged any discussions of the future with him. Now it seems like the discussion cannot be put off any longer and I am not sure that it will come out the way I want it to, the way I need it too.

I stop pacing and sit down on the couch and stare at the dark TV for a long time. Eventually, it could have been a minute or an hour later, I hear a knock at the door and I spring up to answer it. I pull the door wide open and he is standing there a box from the bakery in his hand and a huge grin on his face.

"Gale!" my voice is higher than normal and reveals my nervousness. I grab an arm and pull him inside.

Gale steps into the apartment and closes the door behind himself, leading me to the couch and sitting. "Katniss, you're a bundle of anxiety today…what's going on?" he gets right to the point.

I force a smile on my face, this really is a happy moment, at least is should be, unless he tells me he doesn't want to come with me. "Well… today is the big day!"

"I thought it might be today. Have they given you the all clear?"

I nod eagerly, "I am free to go wherever I want now." I eye the box Gale came in with that is now sitting on the coffee table in front of us.

He leans towards me and places an arm around me pulling me to him for a moment. "Oh Katniss! I am so happy, I bet you thought the day would never come." He laughs lightly and follows my gaze to the box. "Ah… I thought today might be the day so I brought us a little treat for dessert." He winked at me.

"Thanks Gale." Apparently he thinks this is a happy occasion as well, he wouldn't be so happy for me if he was planning to send me off alone, I convince myself of this.

"For you, anything." He takes my hand in his and we sit in silence for a few moments. "So, have you put some thought into what you're going to do now, where you'll live and all of that?"

I take a deep breath, this is it, the talk I have been avoiding for all of these weeks. "Yes…I want to go home…back to twelve." I don't elaborate; I wait for his reaction before I say anything more, if he does want to come with me it won't mean much.

Gale is nodding and biting his lower lip in concentration, "OK, can you give me about two weeks?"

I look up at him surprised, "Hmm?"

"I need to handle some things at work, finish up some projects, transfer things and all that." He shows no surprise as if this is what he'd been planning all along.

I feel silly for thinking otherwise, as he acts like there isn't even a need for discussion, "Thank you." I whisper, tears welling up in my eyes. I try my hardest to push them back but Gale can see them in my eyes even before they start falling.

"Katniss, what's the matter? What are you thanking me for?" he looks genuinely confused and scoots as close to me as he can get, leaning towards me and pulling my body towards his.

The tears escape my eyes and stream down my cheeks, and I look down, ashamed that I am crying now, at this happy time. But the tears aren't in sadness, I am just overwhelmed at how quickly he made plans to follow me, to stay with me. I throw my arms around his shoulders, "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you." It's all I can say and I know it explains nothing to him but I need a minute to collect myself.

"So…are these good tears then?" I can't see his face but I can tell he is smiling, I can see it in his voice.

I just nod and take a few deep breaths to stop my tears and get a handle on myself, "Yes, yes they are." I pull back slightly for him. "I'm just so happy that you're coming with me, the thought of being without you there…" I don't finish the sentence but I don't have to, he knows what I mean.

He frowns, "Well of course I am coming with you…" he looks at me, a confused expression on his face. "Why wouldn't I be going with you? There's absolutely nothing else I'd rather do."

"But your job…" I point out.

He shakes his head, "It doesn't matter. It's just a job and you…well you are you. Besides I'd planned for his, I had hoped that we'd be going back home or somewhere eventually. I will be taking a different position where I will do my work from home, only coming here a few times a year."

He'd already worked this out? This surprised me and pleased me at the same time, he'd always meant to stay with, to go with me wherever I went. I pressed myself back against him and fresh tears started to flow from my eyes, wetting his shirt. I peeked up at him and the amused expression on his face made me smile.

"Since when have you been so emotional?" he chided me, trying to lighten the moment.

I laugh, the tears flowing unfettered down my face, "I don't know!"and I really don't, it isn't like me to cry at times like this but the relief that flooded my body since learning he'd be coming with me has taken over.

We both laugh at my confusion with myself and after a minute or two my tears dry up and he pulls back from me. "So dinner?"

I nod and get up, "Yes definitely, I want to get to that special dessert." My eyes dart to the box again, a smile playing on my lips.

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Gale has been spending extra time at work trying to prepare for leaving and the move and I am alone in the apartment, with nothing to do. Now that I no longer need to go to the hospital for anything my days have blurred together. I don't have much to pack up, maybe enough for one suitcase so I sit around watching television and ready, daydreaming about the woods. We're leaving in about five days and I can't wait to put the Capital behind me, to get back to someplace more familiar and normal.

I am still not sure what my plan is for when we get there. Initially we will live in my old Victor's house, but I don't know if I can stay there, there are so many memories in that place that I am afraid it may haunt me. Our old homes in the Seam are no longer there, but the idea came to me that together we could build a place there again, and it could be ours. I close my eyes to try to imagine the place, our own home when I am pulled out of my dream with a loud banging on the door. I glance at the clock and know that it can't be Gale, as if the roughness of the knock didn't alert me of that already.

I get off the couch and approach the door, "Who is it?" my hand is already on the doorknob getting ready to pull it open.

"It's me sweetheart!" the gruff and familiar voice answers me back and I pull the door open, revealing Haymitch standing in the hallway, hands folded in front of his chest.

"Oh!" is all I can say in surprise.

"Well can I come in or what?" his tone is annoyed and I can tell he hasn't changed much at all.

I step to the side allowing him access to the inside of the place and close the door behind him. "Sorry" I mumble. "What are you doing here?"

"Well you're happy to see me from the sounds of it." He smiles and sits down on the couch. "I'm here because you're going back to twelve with your friend Gale and I was sent to take you home."

Who could have sent him here, and why? "Really? So you'll be here until we leave?"

He nodded and gave me a sneer, "Don't sound too excited about that but yes, we will all be going on the train together and your house is ready for you."

I feel badly for my reaction, "Sorry, I am just surprised, I didn't think we'd really need an escort there, but I am glad to see you…it's been a long time."

He folds his arms in front of his chest again, "Yes it has, since that day when you shot Coin. I've seen you since of course, but I can't say you really saw me or much of anyone."

"Sorry" I mutter again.

"That brings me to another thing. Were you planning on leaving without saying goodbye to Peeta?"

My mouth pops open involuntarily and I am at a loss for words. "Yes…" I answer slowly and look down ashamed that I had not even considered a visit to Peeta, not before leaving and not during my stay at the apartment. The idea of seeing him, in a mental institute, worries me.

"Don't you think you owe him that? At least one visit before you leave him forever?" his words are accusatory, and I can't say that I blame him.

"I…uh…I don't know…"

"You don't know what? How selfish can you be? He was on the road to recovery and then you went into your little mute phase. You drove him insane." He emphasized the word you and I flinched away from him. "All the boy wants is to see you, and you don't even give him a second thought. What is the matter with you?" he looks disgusted with me and I feel disgusted with myself suddenly.

"Why does he want to see me anyhow?" I feel defensive, and I know it's because I have been selfish. I don't love him the way I love Gale but I still should care for him, at what point had I stopped?

Surprisingly Haymitch laughs "Why? Because he still loves you, the fool!." With this he walks towards the bathroom with his bag, "I am getting a shower." And he is gone behind the door.

I sit back down on the couch and put my hands to my face, I need to think. It's not that I don't want to see Peeta, it's that I am not sure what it is going to be like to face him. I don't want to hurt him anymore, would it hurt him more to see me and have me leave again or to never see me at all? Am I afraid of that more than I am afraid of how seeing him will affect me. It would be hard seeing him after everything that has happened, but if I don't go see him for this reason that makes me a coward.

The word plays in my mind over and over again, "coward…you are a coward." I hate that about myself at the moment, I hate being weak, after all that I have been through this causes me so much unease. I resolve to not be afraid, to face this, I know I have to. I sigh, Haymitch is right, I can't leave him, leave Peeta behind, without saying goodbye to him, giving him some sort of closure. I sit on the couch blocking out all other thoughts until Haymitch is out of the bathroom.

"OK…we'll go…" I tell him as soon as he comes into my view.

"Thought so." He answers me smugly and sits down on the armchair next to the couch. "You're cold-hearted, but not that much!

I throw him a nasty look but wonder if I really may be cold-hearted. Since my first few days here I haven't given Peeta much thought. In fact I have willfully pushed him to the back of my mind, tucked safely in the back of my memory. Forcing myself to think of him makes me feel panicked, I owe him a visit, I know I do, but I am not sure if I can actually handle it. I wonder if Gale would come with me, and if he would whether it would be a good idea or not.

"Cold-hearted?" I shake my head "I'm not really sure what I have left of my heart." In some ways I am dead on the inside, maybe I can't feel the things I should be able to feel anymore. Maybe my ability to empathize is gone.

Haymitch digs in his small bag until he comes up with a bottle of clear liquid and takes a long pull before looking over to me again. "No…it's there, you just don't use it right sweetheart. You seem to have no trouble with your little pretty boy so I can't believe you have nothing for Peeta."

I don't like the way he talks about Gale, my Gale "Hey…that pretty boy has been here with me every day," I defend him, my voice rising in anger.

He snorts in response and turns away from me. "Yea, and Peeta would have been here for you too, if you hadn't driven him insane, he has never wanted anything more than to be there for you. And your happiness."

"Doesn't it matter that it is Gale who I wanted here every day and not Peeta?" I spat out, angry at myself as much as my old mentor.

"Don't you think it would be kinder for him to hear it from you and not to always wonder? No one else can tell him anything, in his mind the two of you will be together eventually. But you know the truth." He turns to look in my eyes and his tone softens. "Tell him Katniss…let him move on with his life…let him live. He's stuck in a fantasy. Only you can right this."

I close my eyes and let this sink in. The conversation he wants me to have with Peeta is going to be difficult, and it is going to be painful. I have no idea how he will take it, but if he is sitting there thinking that the love he feels for me is returned and that one day we will have our happy ending I need to correct him.

"I wish he hated me." It would be so much easier if he did. If he didn't want to see me I could slink back home and go one with my life without facing him, without knowing that he was waiting for me.

"It would be easier that way. I think he should, but his heart is made of gold. He'd forgive anything you ever did to him. I tried to tell him that you weren't worth his time, that you were no good for him but he would never believe it." Haymitch shakes his head sadly "It would be so much easier for him if he hated you, his mind is twisted, hate and love are combined, but he misses you badly."

I shudder and bite my lower lip. "When?"


	11. Chapter 11

**It has been forever…I am going to do my best to wrap this up. 1 or 2 chapters left. I hate when people just leave stuff right in the middle, so I promise to finish this up.**

"I don't think that's really the best idea" Haymitch has his arms closed and a harsh look on his face, his lips twisted into a scowl.

"Why?" I shoot back at him, though I had known what his answer would have been all along.

"Isn't it obvious Katniss?" he stares at me for a few moments waiting for me to offer up the obvious answer before sighing heavily. "He doesn't want to see Gale, and when you tell him that you've chosen to be with Gale it's probably best for Gale not to be there for him to try to attack."

"Humph!" I scoff at him, "Gale can take care of himself."

Haymitch is shaking his head looking at me as if I am missing the most obvious thing in the world, "It's not Gale that I am worried about…it's Peeta. If he shows signs of aggression, which undoubtedly will if Gale is there, then the doctors will sedate him, strap him down, and he will have to stay in that place for even longer."

My mouth opens but no sound comes out, "I…I never thought of it like that…" I feel guilty for only thinking of Gale and not Peeta, it is a good thing I am going now, to close the door on our relationship, so he will stop hoping and pining, so that one day he can get out and have his own life. "But I see now…" I let out a heavy sigh "OK… no Gale."

Haymitch rewards me with a smile but doesn't say anything, letting me live in my own thoughts.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Standing in the hallway I can feel my nerves beginning to kick into high gear, and I worry whether my breakfast might come back up. It's too late to do anything about it now so I straighten my back and give myself a little pep talk. _You can do this Katniss. Just go in there and tell him._ I wish it would be that easy, and maybe I am imagining a much worse scenario than the actual reality will be.

"OK then, in you go!" Haymitch moves aside and gestures towards the door.

"Are you going to come in with me?" I ask hopefully.

"Hell no!" he chuckles darkly "This is all you sweetheart." He smirks and begins to walk away from me down the hallway, to the small waiting area near the elevators.

I put my hand on the doorknob but think better of springing into the room unannounced so I know instead. Inside the room I can hear some shuffling and soft music playing.

"Come in, come in." the familiar voice calls out and I feel my chest clenching. I don't love him like I love Gale, but I feel something towards him, more than I myself realized.

I gingerly turn the knob and push the door open. Peeta is standing in front of his bed, a bewildered expression on his face. He looks like the boy that I remember in all ways but his eyes. They are dull and flat, almost as if they are empty.

He walks towards the door when he sees me standing in the hallway."Katniss!" a smile spreads across his face. "I knew that you'd come, that there was no way you'd stay away!" his tone was jubilant and for a moment the life came back his eyes.

I stand frozen in the doorway. I don't know if this is going to be good for him, and I don't know how he is going to react when I tell him I am leaving. I can't think of a good way to introduce the topic as he comes towards the door.

"Come in." he pulls the door the rest of the way open and gestures towards a small table with two chairs in the corner. "When they told me you weren't coming I knew they were keeping you away. How did you convince them to let you see me?" his voice comes out evenly.

Oh god, he thinks that I have wanted to come and have been prevented from doing so by the staff. I wonder how far into delusions he is. "Well… it's been hard Peeta, but I am glad to see you now." I say after a few too many moments of thought. It isn't a lie, but it also is not the entire truth. It was been hard, thinking about him, deciding to let him go, and now coming to say goodbye. I am also glad to see him now, and I don't regret coming here today.

Peeta sits down across from me at the table and looks at me for a long time and neither of us say anything. "So, are you going to be coming to see me regularly until I can get out of here?" he looks hopeful.

I swallow and begin what I know I should have already started. "I'm leaving" I blurt out, not knowing how to phrase what I plan to tell him in the kindest way possible.

His mouth falls open, a surprised expression crosses his face followed by one of confusion. "Leaving?" he asks me slowly, as if he doesn't understand the meaning of the word. "Leaving where?"

"The Capital. I can't stay here anymore, I am going home. Back to twelve." I explain, still leaving out the most important detail.

He nods slowly. "Ok. So… this is it until I can get out of here then?"

I shake my head and look down. "If you return to twelve when you're out of here I am sure we will see each other." I don't want to tell him that he isn't likely to be out anytime soon.

"See each other?" confusion is partially replaced with anger as his tone rises in volume. "Are we still…." he doesn't finish the sentence and instead begins pacing the room muttering to himself.

He slows his pacing and stops in front of the table and puts both palms down on its surface. "Katniss." he says and gets my attention. "You still love me right?" and there is the crux of the problem.

I look back down at my hands and shake my head sadly. I don't want to verbalize the word I know will deliver a final blow to his sanity.

"Look at me!" he sounds agitated and he is practically yelling. "Look at me when you say it. I want to hear you say it out loud. "He glares at me in a way I haven't seen since he came home from the hijacking. "Do you love me?"

I push my face up towards him and force my eyes up to make contact with his and I swallow a big lump in my throat as I whisper. "No Peeta, I'm so sorry, but now." I bite my lower lip and look back down. The tears I didn't know were lurking there spilt over and run freely down my throat.

I can hear his teeth clench. "Did you ever?"

I nod, "Yes, I think I did."

He lets out a sigh, "Liar! You used me until you didn't need me anymore." He begins to pace again and I wonder at what point I should call for a nurse to come calm him.

"No Peeta, no. I thought I did. I love you in a brotherly sense, but I know now that it is not romantic. I care for you so much." I try to soothe him.

"They never kept you away did they?" he glares at me. "You didn't come because you don't want me. You don't care.

His accusations hurts and I have nothing to say in return. "It was so hard, I was sick and then…" I don't know how much to tell him.

He surprises me by sitting back down across me, and an eerie stillness comes over him. "Do you see Gale?"

I wince and he doesn't miss it and as the silence grows longer he prompts me again, "I asked about Gale. If I have been thrown aside I at least deserve to know who has taken my place."

"I see Gale every day Peeta. I don't want to hurt you but we're going home to Twelve together." I look up at him, knowing I owe this to him.

"Do you love him?" his voice is good and a shiver runs up my back.

I nod, "Yes, I do." I won't apologize for loving Gale, though, I know how it must hurt him to hear it.

"So that's it then. You love him and not me. You are leaving me here and you're going off with him to build a new life without me."

"It's not like that!" I protest but I know it isn't any good.

"So all those time you told me you loved me, the times you kissed me, when you held me…those were lies!." His tone was sad but he had calmed down.

"I didn't lie." I sigh and wonder what I can say to him to make any of this better. "I said those things because I thought they were true. But I have to admit I don't feel that way now. I do love Gale, I am so sorry for hurting you." The tears return to my eyes and there are long minutes of silence.

The silence is shatters by a loud scream and the sound of the table being turned over, almost on top of me. I jump back from my seat and clear the area as the chairs crash to the floor. "Peeta!" I yelp in surprise as he continues to scream and throw around the furniture.

"How could I be so stupid? They told me that you never loved me but I wouldn't believe them. What a fool!" he rips a poster down from his wall and throws it across the room. "You user, you tricked me into thinking you loved me. I protected you; I gave myself for you and for nothing. You run back to Gale the moment you don't need me anymore."

Fear begins to mingle with my surprise as I approach him. I put out an arm to pat his but he smacks it away, shoving me from my standing position unto his bed. "Don't you dare touch me." His words are full of so much hate I don't know what to do. I notice the call button next to his desk and quickly push it.

He sees my betrayal immediately as he practically hisses with hate, "Sure…get them to come in here and medicate me. Make this easier for yourself; it's what you always do." I hang my head as his words ring so true. "Can't handle what you've created."

The nurses rush into the room as I look at him a final time, "I'm sorry Peeta, I'm sorry"

They push me out the room and wide eyed Haymitch is waiting for me in the hallway and leads me towards the waiting room.

"So, you used your usual charm and it went well I see?" his smug smile makes me want to smother him.

"Did you know that would happen?" suspicion arises in me quickly as I wonder if he could have known.

"I figured something close to it. You just told the boy you didn't love him, that you love Gale, and that the two of you are moving back to twelve. What did you expect?" he spits out at me.

"I don't know" I reply honestly. "He assumed that we…that he…oh I don't know." I throw my hands up in defeat. "I just wish things were different."

"How?" his question is genuine.

After a few moments spent thinking about it I answer. "I wish friendship was enough for him. I don't love him in the same way that I love Gale, but not having him in my life is hard. I could always count on him, he was so kind and thoughtful. It's so sad to lose it, but I don't see what other options there are."

"Is it really all or nothing?" he raises an eyebrow at me.

"With him I think it might be. He wants to be together, and for us to be in love. But I don't feel it and I can't fake it for him." I sigh and cross my arms in front of my chest in resignation.

"Let him calm down…" a hint of a smile plays at the corner of his lips.

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A nurse approaches us and gestures for us to come towards her. "OK, he's resting in bed now and alert. He is asking for you." She gives me a reassuring smile and I follow her back down the hallway to his room.

When I walk through the door the scene is different and Peeta is lying in bed, medicated and calm. Someone has righted his table and chair and cleaned up the mess he made ripping things off of the wall. I stand a few steps into the room and look at his still form.

"Can you come closer to me?" he asks softly. Suddenly the Peeta I remember is back and I step next to the bed.

"I'm sorry Katniss…I got overwhelmed. It was just so much to take in, I think my brain short circuited" he let out a small laugh, but it didn't reach his eyes as he looks at me.

I shake my head, "Don't you apologize." I looked up at him, frustration pulsing through me. "You have no reason to be sorry. All you did was love me, take care of me, and…and…" it was suddenly too much and the tears broke free from my eyes. "And all I have done is hurt you." I can't find the words I need to make my point and this frustrates me more.

"Katniss…" he begins in a comforting tone, but I hold a hand up to stop him.

"Don't try to tell me it isn't my fault. It really is. I should have figured this stuff out long ago. I shouldn't have shut down all those months ago. If I had let you in you'd not be in here. But, I was too selfish. And now we are broken and I don't know what to do to make this better." The words pour from my mouth before I have a chance to sensor myself.

"You know that I love you." He sighs. "But I also know that you don't feel the same way."

I lift my eyes to his, "No, I don't." I shift my gaze back to my lap. "I don't love you in the same way, but it doesn't mean I don't feel love towards you. How could I not?" I sigh "But I know it's not enough, it isn't what you need."

He offers me a weak smile, "I guess those blond haired and grey eyed children will just stay in my imagination then."

I laugh, but it sounds inappropriate given the circumstances. "I think so. I'm sorry"

"Did you know all along you didn't really love me? During the Games and when I came back from the Capital. Was it all lie?" his eyes bore into mine.

"No Peeta! It was no lie. Up until quite recently I thought that there was no way I could feel more love for someone than you. I was wrong, and I am so sorry for leading you along like I have." I hope I sound sincere because I mean it. Before Gale came back into my life I had no idea what romantic love actually felt like.

"So with Gale it is different?" he asks as if he could hear my thoughts.

I nod, "Yes." I don't elaborate because I don't want to hurt him further. There is no way to tell him about us without comparing my feelings. Gale is a need, like food or water. Peeta is a nice to have, like a down comforter or a second roll. How can I phrase that in a way that won't hurt?

A knock comes from the door and a nurse pokes her head into the room, "A few more minutes until visiting hours are over."

"Well, I guess this is it then." Peeta says sadly.

"I think so…" I don't know what else to say.

"If you ever come back will you see me again?"

"Yes, I will. I am ashamed that I didn't come before today."

"And when I get out of here and move back home what then?"

"Friends?" I raise an eyebrow at him hopefully.

He nods and closes his eyes. "I want to memorize your face right now and remember you just this way before you disappear." He sighs sadly.

I stifle a sob in my throat and lean towards him wrapping my arms around his shoulders and burying my head in him chest. "We'll see each other again, I know it." He wraps his arms around me and we stay that way until we hear another knock at the door.

I gently sit back up and take a last look at him. "Bye Peeta, I will always remember the times we had together. I will never forget you. I will treasure all the things you have given me, including my life time and time again. Please take care of yourself and come home."

"Good-bye" he whispers as I walk towards he door and out to the hallway.

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The train hums quietly around us, as we sit in the dining car across from each other eating.

"We'll be home in just a few hours, how are you feeling?" Gale asks me as he takes the hand I am tapping nervously on the table.

"About what I expected. I'm nervous to see everything and anyone who came back. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what I'll do with myself. There are so many unknowns."

He smiles and nods, "Well there is at least one known."

I laugh, "Yes I was really counting on that!"

His face turns serious and he grabs my other hand, "Always Katniss, you can always count on that. I am here with you no matter what."

"It's going to be so weird to be in that house again. There are so many memories there." I sigh "I wonder if Prim's things are still hanging in her closet" I mutter to myself, mostly thinking a loud.

"That's going to be hard to see." He mused for a few moments. "Maybe we don't really need to move back in there forever."

Haymitch shouts from across the car, "You're going back, there is nowhere else to go. Stop whining."

"Caring as always I see" Gale shouts back at him. "Nothing is set in stone." He reassures me.

"What other options do we have?" I thought it was a given we'd be moving back into my old home with all the bad memories and the ghosts of the past.

"Well we could build a house where one of ours in the Seam used to stand." He smiles at the thought, "or we could maybe fix that small cabin by the lake me used to love to hang out it."

My mouth is agape as I consider these possibilities. "Our houses in the Seam! I wonder if there is anything left." I picture our lives living in one of the simple homes. "I would like that so much more than living in the Village. That house never felt like my home, and it is so empty now without Prim and Mother here."

"Ok then…we will rebuild! But we'll probably need to stay in the Village until the new place is livable." He notices the smile on my face and grins back at me. "Better?" he gets up and comes around the table towards me, kneeling on the ground beside me.

"Yes!" I throw my arms around him and bury my face in his neck. "So much better!"

Haymitch grumbles at the noise, "Quiet! I have such a headache"

We exchange looks and burst out laughing, there isn't a time when he isn't either drunk or hung over. I enjoy the feeling of lightness between us in the train. It's nice to be able to laugh and smile together without something hanging over our heads. For the first time I feel like there is something for me to look forward to.


	12. Chapter 12

It is a week in the old Victor's house before I can bring myself to crack the door to Prim's old room and I stand in the middle of it closing my eyes and breathing in slowly. I imagine that I can still smell her in her, though it has been so long since she has been here. Nothing has been touched and there is a thick layer of dust over all of the surfaces.

I go to her desk first, and I sit at her chair imagining that she is here with me, smiling as always. I run my fingers over the surface of the wooden desk and move on to the small drawer in the middle. I pull it open and smile at the organization. Prim kept all her pens and pencils lined up, with her sharpeners and erasers to the side. I take a pen out of the drawer and observe the bite marks, and I laugh at this evidence of one of her only bad habits. I close my eyes and envision her sitting at this desk over her books, biting her pen in concentration, as she tries to work out an answer to some problem.

I put the pen back and move on to the drawers on the right side. I am looking for anything I want to keep of hers when we leave this place. I find what I am looking for in the bottom drawer, a small notebook that she used to write in daily and I take it from the drawer and put it aside. I don't feel like I can read over it now, but some day I will want it. Everything else in the desk is school related and I don't feel that I will feel Prim in any of the objects so I move on to the closet.

In the closet I find all of Prim's clothing, and I pass my finger along all of the fabric inhaling as deeply as I can. So many of these things remind me of her and I can picture her wearing any of them but I am looking for something that will really remind me of her, As I go through the outfits hanger by hanger I am drawn to a dress that I can remember all too well. The dress she wore to the Reaping, the one that changed everything for everyone.

I take the dress, hanger and all, and I sit on her bed and let out a sob. She never wore the dress again after that day and I can remember how small and innocent she looked. She was so scared that she would be picked and I assured her it couldn't happen. What was the chance her name would be pulled from hundreds of slips? I tried to breathe slowly and evenly but the memories of the day were getting to be too much for me. If she hadn't been Reaped and I hadn't volunteered our lives would be so different right now. The magnitude of all of the losses weighed on me and I let the tears come.

I didn't even notice that Gale has slipped into the room until I feel his arms circle around me and I lean into him without even looking up. He takes the dress from my hands and looks down at it and then to me. "Is this?" he asks but doesn't finish the sentence as there is no need. I am nodding and he holds me tighter. "Oh" is all he says as we slip back into silence, and the only noises are my choked sobs and the ticking of clock over the desk.

We sit there for a long time, hours possibly, but Gale's grip on me never wavers. At some point I run out of tears and just sit in silence remembering all of the things that were lost on the day she was reaped. After a long time I lean back from him and lift my eyes up to meet his. "So many things we'll never get back" I whisper, there is no way I would be able to list them all.

Gale nods and looks thoughtful for a moment. "So many things we wouldn't have if not for that day." I know he is right, and there were so many things gained for Panem as a whole. My personal loss was great but there was some good that came of it.

"Do you think it was worth it?" I ask him

"I don't know" he answers honestly and is lost in thought for a moment, "Maybe it will be in a few years, but for us it's too fresh, too raw." He stands up and offers me a hand to lead me out of the room,

"Maybe you're right. I know an awful lot of people who think it was the best thing that could have happened. I wanted this so Prim could have a better life, but in the end she ended up losing hers entirely. For her it would have been better to live under Snow than not live at all." I take his hand and let him lead me out to the hallway, "But, I guess Prim wouldn't have seen it that way."

"She would have been proud to do her part in changing things." He stated simply.

I nod and we walk down the stairs and away from the memories. "I know you're right." I've left so many things unsaid but I know that Gale understands. I love her, I want her with me and the war took her away. It is hardly any consolation that she died doing what she loved, helping people. It doesn't give me as much comfort that I hope it will in the future that she would have been proud of herself. All I know if that I have no sister.

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Gale and I sit watching the builders at work and splitting a sandwich for lunch. We are building on the land where Gale's house once stood. Before we can build anything we need to get all the rubble from the old building off of the ground. This is why we are not using the land where my old house stood, I don't think I could sit and watch the crumbled pieces of my old life go by me, watching Gale's past be thrown away is bad enough.

"We really need to firm up the blueprints, they will be done here in a day or two." He points to a notebook sitting open on the ground in front of us.

"What's left to decide?" I didn't want anything elaborate. I wanted something that would remind me of our childhood homes, not something like the house in Victor's Village.

"Well" he sticks the pencil he was holding into his mouth as he thinks. "How many bedrooms to you want?"

"Just one of course!" I didn't think this was up for consideration. There were two of us, and we slept in one bedroom. There was no need for more.

"Are you sure you don't want two or three?" he quirks a brow and clearly has something on his mind.

I feel my blood run cold and I snap my head up at him. Was he thinking what I suspect? Does he think that I will want children after all? Worry and panic flood my mind as I try to formulate some coherent sentences. "Gale….I…I don't…want children. We don't need all those bedrooms. Just one…"

Gale surprises me and smiles. "Katniss…who said anything about children?"

"But then why would we need more than just the one bedroom?"

He chuckles, "My mother and family, or maybe your mother. You knows, guests?"

"Oh!" It was the most obvious thing. I feel silly for bringing up children at all. "Of course, that's a great idea. Three would be perfect then." I try to smile but I can feel my cheeks burning red hot.

"So children…" Gale smiles at me. I curse ever mentioning the subject, it isn't something I really want to discuss.

"Gale…you know how I feel, it just hasn't changed." I stare down at my hands.

"It's OK Katniss. I don't have any huge urge to have any either." He takes my chin and lifts my face towards him. "I don't think I trust this world to bring children up in anymore." He leans down until his mouth is touching mine. "Plus, you're more than enough for me." He whispers against my lips.

I close my eyes, and enjoy the sensation of his mouthed words against my lips, the hot breath tickling just a bit. "Really?" I am surprised, I figured once the war is over he would have changed his mind. Eventually I thought he'd wear on me to have one or maybe two even if I wasn't crazy about the idea.

"Yes of course! Not having children is a decision we could undue. If we change our minds and we're too old to do it the old fashioned way there are always children waiting to be adopted. But if we have them we can never take the decision back, it is final. So I like to err on the side of caution."

I breathed a sigh of relief full of the breath I didn't realize I was holding and I lean back over to Gale and press my lips gently against him. He wraps his arms against me and kisses me back gently. This is the happiest I can remember feeling in quite some time. I am sitting here, at the site of our future home with the man I love and there is no imminent threat of danger to either of us. I am not sure if I believe in an afterlife, but I think this is the closest I have come to feeling like I am in heaven.

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Somehow knowing that soon I would have my own place to live made staying in Victor's Village more tolerable, and the months have passed by quickly. There are only a few touches left to the house, minor details like the shutters and paint on the interior walls but we've started moving out things in here little by little.

Tonight we're making our first meal in our new kitchen and it almost feels like a real home. I am in put in charge of prepping all the vegetables while Gale does the real cooking, as I have always been horrid at it and he hums as he goes. After finishing the last carrot I stand back and watch him concentrate on the pot he is stirring, being careful not to put the dish, and I smile, glad to see him in such a light hearted mood.

"Anything else for me to do?"

He shakes his head, "Not really, just need to throw the rest of this stuff in there" he gestures towards the pile I have cut up "and we will be good to go." He smiles and goes back to stirring and humming.

"I see you're in a good mood" I say as I watch dump the vegetables into the stew and set a timer for half of an hour.

"Who wouldn't be?" he smirks. "I am sitting in my new houses, with a beautiful women, and I am about to have a great dinner." He comes over and kneels in from of the chair I am sitting on and takes my hands in him. "How about you Katniss? Are you in a good mood?"

I nod vigorously. "Yes definitely. It's good to know soon we will be living here and have no need to go back to the big house. That place doesn't feel like home, it never has."

"I know what you mean. I hope this place will feel that way to you though." he smiles, nodding in agreement.

"Oh it already does!" I gesture out the window towards the streets. "Being back here is home to me and the more people who move in the more it is going to feel real to me."

Gale smiles, "It looks like we will have next door neighbors soon enough, I saw them clearing the land for something new to be built. In luck within the year this will be a real neighborhood again."

"It will never be the same as it was" I think back to the days before the Games changed my entire existence. "But this is as close as we get."

"In some ways that's good though. We all have electricity now, and enough food to live off of." He pulls me closer to him. "But I know what you mean, I can almost hear Posy shrieking outside, or Rory and Vick playing catch, but when I look there is nothing there."

He doesn't talk much about his family and I am curious, "Do you miss them much?"

"Yes, every day. But once the District is more settled Mom thinks they are going to come back." His grins spreads from ear to ear as he thinks of his family returning and getting to see them every day.

"That would be wonderful! Then it would definitely feel like home." The time dings as I finish my thought and we get up to get bowls of the stew.

We sat and ate in silence and I try to imagine my life living in this house with him. The image is a nice one but it is so much different from the life I had with my mother and sister. Times have changed so much and over the past two years I would never have guessed I would have ended up here like this with Gale. I assumed that I would be dead by now, with the Games, the Quell and then the war. I shouldn't be here and yet I am. The thought makes me want to do something with myself, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what.

When we finish dinner Gale collects my plate from me and takes it to the sink. "How about we take care of these later and go build our first fire?"

It sounds like a great idea, putting off washing dishes agrees with me as well. "Great idea"

We walk into the living room together and he throws a soft blanket unto the floor in front of the fireplace and sits down. "No furniture yet…but I hope this will do." He sets a bag he'd been carrying down next to him and gestures to the spot on the blanket next to him.

I oblige and plop down on the floor next to him as he goes to work starting the fire. I watch him work in silence and find myself enthralled by him. His strong jaw clenches as he squints in concentration at the fire started. His shoulders and arms are lean and muscular and they flex as he lifts the firewood into the hearth. His eyes are slate, and have such a depth to them. This was only increased by the events of the last two years, as they didn't break him as they did to me, but they have changed him in a way.

My thoughts turn to Prim and how for a long time I blamed him. I was not able to look at him without picturing her face, and my heart aching. Now, I know that I was blaming him because I needed to put a face to force that took her from me and he was the most obvious and easiest choice. But he didn't kill her, and I know how much it hurts him that she died at the hands of a weapon he helped design. He isn't the same revenge hungry man who thought of such a hateful weapon, but the experience has shown him what he was capable of out of angry.

Gale turns back to me having gotten the fire going at last and leans onto his back. He gestures for me to come closer and I don't hesitate to lay down next to him and snuggle my head unto his chest. "Mmm" he breathes in a sigh "Now wherever this is, that is home for me." He leans his head down and rests it on mine.

"That's so cheesy Gale!" I can't help a slight blush from creeping unto my face.

"But, it's true. I don't care where I am, what else I have, or anything else. If you're there, I am happy." He says with such conviction that I can't deny it further.

"Gale, thank you." I don't know what else to say. "I feel the same way, I belong wherever you are."

"Which brings me to this." He clears his throat and sits up, forcing my head away from his body. He puts his hands gently on my shoulders and turns me to face him.

"What's going on?" I am confused.

He takes in a large breath, clearly preparing for something. "Katniss, I love you so much." He pauses and bites his lip, and the nervous behavior is so unusual for him.

I arch a brow, not knowing where he is head. "I love you too Gale."

"Well, I hope you know that I will spend my entire life loving you. I hope that I can spend my entire life together with you." He looks into my eyes and I can't look away from the warmth and love I find there.

"Of course you can Gale! I hope the same thing." I wonder if he is worried about my feelings for him in the future.

"I was really hoping you would say that." He takes in another deep breath before continuing. "I was hoping that you might want to…" He grabs my hand and his gaze intensifies as he lowers his voice. "to toast with me."

Surprise registers on my face before being replaced with a smile. "Toasting… like the District's marriage ritual?"

He nods.

For a moment panic fills my veins and I can feel my blood run cold, marriage was something I never wanted. But all the reasons for that have disappeared. I love Gale, and I know I always will. There is no reason not to. "Yes!" I squeal, immediately clamping my hand over my mouth and opening my eyes wide in disbelief at my girl behavior. I throw my arms around his shoulder and feel tears forming in my eyes. "Yes, yes yes." I chant as laughter spills from me.

Gale's laughter joins mine as we sit holding each other, laughing, and crying for a long time. Eventually he pulls back from me and smiles more widely then I have ever seen, his eyes shining. "Thank you Katniss, I am the happiest man in the world right now."

I smack him playfully. "So…when do you want to do this?" I glance at the fire and smile.

"Whenever you want Katniss. If you want other people, like your mother, to be there we can schedule it. If you want a big production with TV crews and the Capitol folks, we can do that. Whatever you want. Anything."

I cringe at the thought of having my life broadcast for the Capitol again. I shake my head, "No cameras, no audience, no fanfare, none of that Capitol stuff. It's not me, it's not us." I saw vehemently.

He nods in agreement. "I agree completely… but if it's what you wanted, then I want to give it to you."

"Honestly, I don't really want an audience."

He smiles and strokes my hair gently. "I am not surprised. Do you want to make it into a casual party? Invite Hay and your mom and whoever else?"

I shake my head. "Not really. I wouldn't mind it if was just between the two of us." The thought of a party of any size didn't seem to fit for me. "No flowers or dresses or cakes." When I said the last word I cringed mentally. Peeta and I were to get married at one point, and he had wanted to be in charge of the cake, given his love of baking. It didn't seem right to enjoy cake at a celebration of our toasting.

"OK then, last question. When do you want to do this?" he moved his hand from my hair and used him fingers to gently trace my collar bone.

I think about the question carefully. I could wait until all of our things were in place, or until the weather was a certain way. The longer I thought about it the more I wondered what it was that I should be waiting for. "How about now?"

"Now?" his mouth forms a small little 'o' of surprise.

"Yes, why not?" I smile

"I can see no reason." He brings me closer to him and into a tight embrace.

"We're really going to do this!" I can feel excitement that surprises me welling up in my chest.

"Yes, you're an amazing woman Katniss." He stands and walks into the kitchen, returning in a moment with a small loaf of my favorite crusty bread.

"Hey…where did you get that from?" I hadn't remembered bringing any bread from the Victor's house that we hadn't eaten for dinner.

"Picked it up from the bakery while you were packing some things up." He grinned "I hoped you would say yes to me." He sat back down and squeezed my hand. "And I had a feeling you might want to do it tonight, and I wanted to be ready." He looks down bashfully.

He knows me so well, and I feel overwhelmed by the feelings of love for him and tears stream down my face. "Gale…" I don't know how to continue so I bury my face in his chest, crying tears.

"I also picked up these." I look up and see 2 thin silver bands. "I don't know if you wanted to wear a ring, but I figured if you did you'd prefer something small and simple."

"Oh Gale!" my tears increased and I feel speechless and overcome by my emotions towards him.

"I know Katniss, I know" he soothes me and strokes my lower back comfortingly.

I look up at him and grin, holding my hand out. "I'd love to wear a ring to show the world that I am yours. And if you would wear one to show you were mine, I'd like that too."

"Of course, why wouldn't I? I got you, I am so lucky." He gives me one more squeeze before pulling back, "are you ready?"

I nod and he breaks off a piece from the loaf and hands it to me.

He starts, taking his chunk of bread and holding it in front of the fire. "Katniss, I promise to love you as long we live. I promise to care for you, to do everything I can to make sure you are happy, healthy, and have a good life. All that matters to me is to be with you. That is whether we're rich, or we're poor. Whether we're healthy or whether we are ill. I would follow you to ends of this earth, and am thankful every day that you allow me in your life. I will never take you for granted. I will do anything and everything in my power for you. There is no more just 'me' or 'I", there is only a we. I love you."

He smiles shyly and looks over at me. I am terrible with these things, and I have no idea how I can top the words he just said but I try. "Gale, I love you more than anything in this world, including myself. I promise that will never change and that I will look out for you for the rest of my life. Where you are is where I will be, nothing else matters to me. I will stay with you forever."

Together we put the bread close to the fire and allow it to toast nicely. Gale breaks off a small piece and feeds it to me and I do the same with him. He takes both of my hands in him and smiles gently at me.

"I love you Katniss."

I can feel the tears starting to form again. "I love you too Gale."

He leans towards me and gently places his lips against mine. "Forever" he whispers.

"Forever" I whisper back, our lips still together.

OK – All done I am thinking of writing a short Prologue, so I haven't marked this completed just yet. Thanks you guys for sticking with me!


	13. Chapter 13

**Peeta's POV**

Five years after that awful day, when Katniss turned away from me and walked out of my life, I have finally made it back to District 12. They let me out of the hospital more than a year earlier and for that time I stayed in the Capital. It seemed too painful to come back to 12 and have to face the evidence of Katniss' relationship with Gale. I couldn't bring myself to do, and I figured I was going to be alone no matter what so I might as well stay. I got a job in one of the bakeries and spent most of my off time painting.

Until I met Macey, she walked into the bakery one night while I was handling the orders and her bright eyes and calming smile captured my attention immediately. She stopped by on the way home for a cookie, a treat after a hard day, and I couldn't help myself from striking up a conversation with her. Over the next month she came in often, and finally I got up the nerve to ask her out. That first night we had dinner and I felt alive again, for the first time in many years. Luckily, she took to me as much as I did to her, and we've been together ever since.

After Katniss left, I never thought I'd find someone to love again, and I doubted that I was capable of being loved by anyone. It took years to come to terms with what happened, and I no longer think that she is a Capital mutt. I also don't think of her as someone who I love or who loves me, this took me even longer to internalize. I could love her all I wanted, but she did not love me back, so what was the use? I was so surprised when I first felt the fluttering of my heart when I was with Macey.

The first time I saw her, touching her hand for the first time, and our first kiss, these moments were magical with her. It was different then it had been with Katniss, but that was good. Macey and I had no secrets from each other and she knew all about my past, including my relationship with Katniss. She didn't run away from me after that, and when she first told me she loved me it was the happiest day of my life. She was even willing to come back to 12 with me to live.

She had worked for several years at the same company but knew how much I missed my home and the quieter pace of life in a small town. I didn't hate the Capital anymore as I used to, but it just didn't feel right to me. Thanks to the money I received from the Capital after everything was over I didn't really need to work and I really wanted to do something good for others. After a lot of thought, I decided to go back to 12 and spend my time and money baking for the people of the District with less. I wanted to make sure that everyone has access to food, and not just those in the town.

Times had improved greatly since the war, but there were still some people who were struggling, and there likely always would be. Macey loved the idea and suggested that she could spend her time keeping a large garden and growing crops that we could distribute to anyone who needed it. Luckily the grounds of the Victor's houses were large and there was plenty of room. My old house, which has sat vacant this entire time, was waiting for my return and was already outfitted with industry ovens. So, we decided to go for it and gave up our jobs and apartments in the city. We packed all of our things and boarded a train within a month of deciding on the idea.

That's how I find myself here instructing the new clerk at the small store front where we distribute baked goods and vegetables to anyone who comes in and asks for it.

"So, when someone comes in give them one of these, "I point to a stack of brown paper bags "and show them where we keep the bread and how the vegetables are sorted." I point to the left wall, were loaves of bread, and bags of rolls line the shelves. I walk towards the right and point out the bins, which contain the varieties of vegetables Macey is growing.

The young clerk grins and nods for me to continue, "Basically, you give them the bag, tell them where to find things, and ask that they take what they need, not more and not less." I reach under the counter and pull out a small notebook. "Here try to keep track of the number of people that come and what they take with them, so we can know better what people want."

The clerk is nodding again, "OK" and I continue to explain to her the opening and closing procedures. Originally we had planned to man the store ourselves but found that we were quite busy during the day baking and tending the crops. This way we could employ a few people from the community and do more good.

Many people in the town have made donations to me, and I am grateful for them. The attitude of people who have money looking down on those who don't has mainly gone by the way side, as everyone has now experience having nothing during the war. The division between the town and the Seam is gone, and all the streets are paved and the houses have both running water and electricity.

After I am sure the clerk knows what to do I arm her with my phone number and walk back home. Macey is in the garden as always weeding the area around the cucumbers and she looks up and grins as I approach her. I walk to her side and kneel down beside her, wrapping my arms around her waist and lower my mouth to her head to give her a soft kiss.

"Hey you" she grins as she wipes a gloved hand over her forehead at the sweat that is forming there.

"Missed you." I say to her and brush the loose hair from her face. I sigh in happiness as I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I never thought I would be happy again, but here I am, living a wonderful life with an amazing woman at my side.

**Katniss POV**

Gale and I have settled into a routine over the years and it is as close to perfect as I can imagine. Days go by where I don't think of the Games, the Capital, but never a day without thoughts of Prim. While it is still painful to think of her, the pain is dulled and I think of the happy memories more than those last few moments of her life. Gale and I talk about her often and I am glad that her memory is living on with us, as I am afraid that trying to forget her will make it as if she never existed and that thought is too painful.

Gale still works doing mostly back end work for the military. Instead of designing weapons of destruction he spends his time helping to coordinate the building of infrastructure in the various districts. He works from our house and I am fascinated by the types of projects that he has been involved in. The logistics of building a highway that spans a thousand miles seems impossible to me, but Gale's calm confidence handles it seemingly effortlessly.

Because of his job we've had the chance to travel to so many places and we spend as much time traveling as we do at home. While Gale works during the day I discover the plant and animal life in the location. Sometimes I find some roots or herbs that I know my mother would like and I send them to her. Mostly I just observe and document, taking in the different landscapes with enthusiasm. At night Gale and I get to know the town, trying their local cuisine and taking in the entertainment. Most places have their own type of dancing and I enjoy learning all the variations.

Things with my mother have easer over time. We'll never have a true mother/daughter relationship but I think we both realize how much the other loves us. I can feel my mother's love in every hug and hear it every time we talk, and I try to show her the same thing. I see her every few months by coming to visit her, or having her join us at Gale's location. She never comes to visit us at our home, and I can understand. Many things about the District remind me of Prim, and my mother does not need the reminders.

Gale's family comes to visit every few months and stay with us. The rate at which his younger siblings have grown is amazing. Posy remembers some of the bad times, but much of her life has been lived in the new Panem , free from President Snow's tyrannical rule. The weeks they spend at our home are some of the best I have ever had, and I love watching Gale's eyes light up with them around. Hazelle entertains me for hours, telling me stories about Gale before I knew him, when he was younger. She seems to have a never ending amount of these embarrassing tales.

"Katniss, are you happy now? Truly happy?" Gale asked me out of the blue.

I had to think about it for some time and, he waited for me very patiently. "I think so, I love my life right now, and I don't live in fear every day that it will be taken from me like I had for a time." I turned my body so I was facing him, "But what is 'truly happy' anyhow. I'm not sure I'd recognize it if I saw it." I laugh, meaning this in a light hearted way rather than seriously.

Gale shook his head, "You know what I mean, are you at peace now?" He gave me a meaningful look and I suddenly knew what he was getting at. "No unfinished business?" he raised one eyebrow and looked at me expectantly.

"Peeta" I whispered and hung my head.

"Is that something you'd like?"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

We've been avoiding each other since he came back, and thanks to Gale I realize that it is finally time to face him. When I think about Peeta I no longer feel the sharp shame and regret that I felt for the first few years. I can almost think of some of the good memories of our time together without the searing pain shooting through my chest. There is no reason why we cannot coexist here and be friends or at least cordial with each other.

I was so thankful at first that he was not here. The thought of living so close to him after my betrayal was unfathomable then. It was so much easier to go on living my life when I could shove my memories of him away in a corner of my mind. I just made sure never to think of him, and except for the few times I walked past the new bakery in town, I got very good at this. When he was released and decided to come back the idea of dealing with all those memories again was daunting. I pulled off the band-aid all at once and let everything spill out of the corner where I had locked them up years before.

Once allowed myself to think about him again I realized that I could view the things that happened from a different angle. I had left a man who I didn't love, and I couldn't be expected to spend my life with someone I wasn't in love with. The atrociousness of what happened came from the way that I strung him on and allowed him to cling on to the hope that I would come back to him. Had I told him the truth the moment I realized it, things would still have been bad, but my conscious could be clear.

In the arena and during the war I had certainly acted as if I was in love with him, and I definitely felt like I needed him safe to continue to function. Looking back, it wasn't the romantic love that I feel for Gale. It was different in some way, and I have never been able to find the right category to place it in. He was my first experience with love, and so much of our relationship was manufactured for the cameras. We were under a microscope for a long time, and throughout we were to act as if we were in love. Eventually, it began to feel true. But, once all the danger was past and I was able to settle into a life for myself I realized that it was Gale, and not Peeta that I needed to live. Even after the times in the arena when I literally needed Peeta to stay alive, it was Gale who I could not live without.

After I understood that I felt much less guilty. I hadn't tricked him, we had both been tricked. Unprompted I would never had pretended to love someone I barely knew. He was so genuinely kind and good it was easy to admire him and feel an affinity towards him. At some point it stopped being pretend and become the way I felt. My inexperience and stressful circumstances helped the make-believe story become my reality. None of the things I did or said were malicious, and at one point I wanted to die in order for him to come home to his family. He was a better person then me, and I knew the depths of his feelings for me far surpassed mine.

But, there is no changing the past and he is here now, and we live in the same place. Both of us are with the ones that we love, and happy with our lives. It seems silly that we shared so much together in the Arenas and the war, and yet I avoid entire areas of the town for fear of running into him. My fears are about how he feels about me, and whether he is still angry. If I were him I can imagine feeling anger for the person who left me behind so callously, but I know he has always been the better person of us.

I have a happy life, but there is still something missing and I think it might be him. I will never have him in my life the way he used to want, and I don't think he would want that anymore either. But, surely we can have something. Friendship would be nice someday, but we need to start somewhere. Luckily for me, he extended the olive branch to me first and wrote to me asking me to come see him some evening. That's how I find myself tonight, drudging over to his home, squaring my shoulders and trying to control my breathing.

I reach his door shortly after the sun set for the night and I could see his living room blazing with light, and I know that someone must be home. At the side of the door someone has installed a doorbell and I ring it anxiously. I can hear hurried footsteps coming down the hallway from the kitchen and try to plaster a smile to my face. The door is quickly flung open and just inside the doorway he is standing and nervously smiling at me. The door is quickly flung open and just inside the doorway he is standing and nervously smiling at me.

"Katniss, you came!" his voice full of surprise and his smile reaching his blue eyes.

"I uh, yes, I wanted to see you again." I stammer, and curse my lack of ability with words.

"Well thank you, come in please." He steps aside and I walk into the house and follow him down the familiar hallway to the kitchen.

"Thanks." My voice sounds meek and I can barely recognize myself in it as my nerves run amok in my stomach. I hop into the chair at the island that he waves me towards and turn myself to face him.

"Coffee? Juice? Something sweet?" his voice is sure as he offers me his hospitality. There is no anger in his demeanor and I relax slightly.

"Nah, still can't stand the taste of coffee." I cringe as I bring up something from our time in the Games.

To my relief, he chuckles, "Heh! Me neither, but I still love that hot chocolate stuff."

And before I knew it we were joking around together, both of us remembering our time together as something other than painful. But, there are some serious things to discuss, and we need to voice these things so they won't hang so heavily between us.

"Katniss, do you think we can know each other again? I mean, who we are now and not who we were?" he finally got to the heart of the matter, the subject change so sudden.

I took a deep breath and looked directly at him. "Yes, I think we can. I know I want to. I am not the person I was then, and I am not sure that at the time I saw things as clearly." I think about my immaturity and lack of experience of a world outside of District 12.

"We were children Katniss. Both of us." His soft reply brings me out of my remembrance.

I nod, "Yes. I don't know everything now, and I am sure I never will. But, at the time…" I trail off and let myself have a moment to compose my thoughts again. "Let's just say knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have done things the same way." Peeta smiled lightly and I pressed on. "I'm sorry Peeta, I can't take anything that happened back, but I would love to know you again, and to have you in my life.

He beams with a smile from ear to ear as he lurches forward to wrap me in him arms. "That's what I want too." He lets me go and leans back in his chair looking surprised at him reaction. "And I am sorry too." He holds his hand out as I begin to protest. "No, really. How could you have gone on with your life without hurting me? There was no way, no real options. I was in the nut house. Not quite right."

His eyes were laughing and I couldn't help but let out a short giggle. "Ok, everyone is sorry."

He nods. "Everyone but the people the blame really belongs to."

And just like that it becomes serious again and we both sit with our own thoughts for a few minutes.

"OK, so what now?" I finally say, breaking the silence.

He raises a brow to me and bites his bottom lip in mock concentration. "Friends?" his voice is hopeful a feeling that we going to be OK settled in to me.

"Yes. Definitely friends."

**The END.**

**I am sorry for how long it took me to get this thing finished (and maybe a bit rushed at the end.) But, to be honest once I read the Twilight series all I wanted to write was fiction based on those characters. But I made myself a New Year's resolution. I had to finish writing my Hunger Games fan fiction before starting any more Twilight fiction. So finishing The After is my next project.**

**I may be back with new Hunger Games fiction, as I plan to reread the books before seeing the movie. Thank you for all those who have read and stuck with this until the bitter end.**


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